25 Ways To Deal With Betrayal

This post is dedicated to people currently experiencing some sort of betrayal from their loved ones (friends, family, colleagues, partner……)

It was inspired by today’s radio show on LBC 97.3FM with Petrie Hoskens and an article in The Daily Mail ‘Men Paid Less Than Their Wives Are ‘Five Times More Likely To Cheat’.

The research was carried out by a group of sociologists who surveyed the salaries and relationships of a group of 18 to 28-year-olds who had been in the same relationships for more than a year and these couples were married or living together.  It also suggested some house husbands may find the temptation of being surrounded by ‘yummy mummies’ on school runs just too much to bear. (Culled From The Daily Mail)

While I don’t agree with the recent studies (and Petrie’s phone in programme justified my position), the big question is ‘what do you do when faced with a betrayal in your relationship, friendship, courtship…….’

Trust defines every interaction in a relationship, it builds intimacy and it strengthens bonds.

YourDictionary.Com defines betrayal as an attempt to lead astray, deceive, seduce then desert. It comes in different shades and involves acts of lying, cheating, stealing…….

It’s an experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but it happens on a regular basis. The hurt associated with it is intense because suddenly you remember:

  • Broken promises.
  • He left you for another woman/lady/girl.
  • Your secrets have been exposed to various individuals.
  • Your trust has been broken.
  • Your family/friends weren’t there to support you during the difficult times.
  • You got shunted from the promotion deserved.

The list is endless………

In all this remember ‘You Are Not Alone’ and ‘You Can Rise Above The Feelings Of Rejection’.

The effects of a betrayal are as follows:

  • A broken relationship (friendship, courtship, engagement…..)
  • It affects your mental health and creates depression.
  • It lowers your self esteem.
  • It attempts to harm your reputation and integrity
  • It ruins the trust factor in any relationship
  • It creates unnecessary suspicion in any event because you constantly question your judgements.
  • It skews your thought process which leads to negative or destructive thinking.

The aim of this post isn’t to argue with the research carried out but suggest 25 Ways To Deal With Betrayal.

In no particular order they are as follows:

Reflect: Spend time analysing and reflecting on the whole event and ask yourself if the relationship/friendship is worth salvaging. Once you’ve taken time to reflect on the issue, you may proceed with a cautious confrontation. Confront the issues that led to the betrayal. It’s important you have all the correct information/facts before any confrontation and when you decide to take that step ensure you are clear, direct and exercise a bit of restraint on your temper.

Take things easy: Don’t be so hard on yourself because you were betrayed. There is always a tendency for you accept unnecessary blame for the turnout of events or resort to harmful practices as a means to alleviate the hurt. Cut yourself some slack and be encouraged by things that give you meaning.

Let go: Let go of your emotions constructively. Cry if it will make you feel better, take long walks. Don’t be embarrassed at it. Whatever you do, make sure it’s constructive and makes you feel better after all you are the one that’s been BETRAYED!!!

Build Courage: It’s a difficult and painful experience but you’ve got to sum up the courage and acknowledge betrayal is a part of life. If managed properly it equips you with a better understanding for future relationships with friends, family, colleagues…….

Integrity: Show some dignity in dealing with a betrayal. Be a man or woman of few words and manage the whole situation with your integrity intact.

Reconcile: Keep an open heart and mind to reconciliation. It’s difficult, but learn to forgive and move on.

Set Goals: Be determined to come out of the whole experience of betrayal stronger with new ideals, thought patterns and character.

Get Inspired: Be inspired/empowered by listening to, reading and watching positive media that will contribute to uplifting your spirits which results in strengthening your emotions while going through the betrayal.

Build Your Self Confidence: Look for constructive ways to rebuild your personality, self confidence and esteem.

Think Constructively: Think carefully and constructively on your future actions in old and new relationships. Do you want to give it one more chance, take a break or walk away from it completely?

Face Your Fears: Face your fears by taking risks, building positive relationships, discussing or sharing them with friends, family…..

Network: Avoid being alone through the period of betrayal. Spend a lot of time with other friends, family, colleagues….. They could serve as listening ears and provide all sorts of encouragement.

Optimism: Show a bit of optimism in everything you do, it helps in putting the past behind you and gives you a positive approach to dealing with betrayal.

Hold Back On Revenge: I’m not sure if revenge is worth your time. It’s a display of maturity if you do not resort to the same tactics used or different game plans to hurt anyone.

Personal Development: Focus on your personal growth, appearance and development.

No Self Harm Please: Avoid all forms of self harm. Don’t turn to alcohol or drugs as a quick route to escape from the hurt or drown your sorrows. The pain will still be there in the morning along with a hangover!

Self Denial: Be secured in who, what and whom you are. Learn to deal with all your insecurities. Stop living in self denial and feeling sorry for yourself. Experiencing a betrayal is tough but think constructively and create a positive attitude around you. Work on building trustworthy relationships with other people. You must know what you want from a new relationship or friendship.

Use Your Intuition: Start paying more attention to your feelings, thoughts and intuition keeping your eyes open, heart protected slightly and head in place. Please note: This shouldn’t make you overbearingly suspicious of anybody, event or circumstance.

Stay Active: Be active. Research shows that there is a close relationship between your physical and mental health so try exercising, go dancing (Salsa), take a walk, start a hobby……….

Love Again: The toughest lesson is learning to love/trust again. It’s difficult but you’ve got to remember not everyone is going to act like your ex, friend, colleague, spouse….

Think Of The Future: Let your thoughts of the future be inspiring, memorable, motivating and encouraging.

Stop Worrying: Worry less and develop a new focus. It reduces your anxiety levels and prevents you from constantly making all kinds of unnecessary assumptions.

Celebrate Your Progress: You’ve been betrayed, so what!!!! Be happy with any progress or changes you make in any sphere of your life using it as a springboard to developing new friendships or relationships.

Patience: Exercise a lot of patience when experiencing a betrayal. It allows you handle various situations with confidence and assurance knowing a solution definitely exists.

Seek Profession Help: Where/When necessary, seek the services of a counsellor, psychotherapist, social worker, GP…..

I look forward to your comments and suggestions.

P.S. Look out for my next blog post 35 reasons/benefits for staying faithful in a relationship.

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34 Comments

Parker Lee | howtomingle.com

about 4 years ago

Hey Ayo! How have you been? Alright, I really enjoyed this article. I think everyone (for the most part) has experienced some type of betrayal, whether it be loved one or someone they once respected. To me, I think the most important part is: Reconcile: Keep an open heart and mind to reconciliation. It’s difficult, but learn to forgive and move on. Tho' this is also the hardest part of it all, often these events can leave us so scarred that it'll cause us to unintentionally (& sometimes unknowingly) lash out on the innocent. Good stuff Ayo, Cheers! Parker Lee | howtomingle.com´s last blog post ..How to connect with anyone- anytime!

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Ayo Olaniyan

about 4 years ago

hi parker, how are you? where have you been man????? i agree reconcilation is tough but how much progress do we make if we store up grudges. my response: none at all. i willsend you an email shortly to check your schedule for octobers edition. we should do a follow up to the bobbo approach dont you think? take care and enjoy the rest of the day

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emmanuel

about 4 years ago

hi ayo, first of all thanks for sharing this.i am current licking some wounds and this has just reinforced my belief and in a way supported me. on the flip side ,i'm wondering if anyone has noticed you seem to come up with the wierdest researches. stay safe bro and you are doing a good job

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Ayo Olaniyan

about 4 years ago

hi emmanuel, it's great to know you are in the recovery process and this post has helped you in it's own little way. as for the researches hmm............(no comment lol!!!) enjoy the rest of the day.

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Karen

about 4 years ago

Hi Ayo, I hope you are well these days and that things have calmed down in your life :-) This is a very thought-provoking post because I don't think anyone can say that they haven't felt a sense of betrayal at one time or another in their lives. People are fallible and we forget that. I like to think that most people are good and have good intentions, but that's very naive sometimes when there are so many instances where people betray others without any consideration. Just look at all the celebrity scandals! You've provided some excellent tips here and I think self-relection and using your intution are so important. A lot of times you know what's right, what's wrong and should listen to yourself more. Karen Karen´s last blog post ..Just For Today Challenge – 31 Days To A Better You eBook Launch

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Ayo Olaniyan

about 4 years ago

hi karen, i am fine thank you and things dont calm down till mid september but it's okay! how are you? with regards to our intuition, i have counselled a few people who suspected sudden dangers but pushed it aside for various reasons only to end up betrayed. although we should use our intuition, we shoudnt get to a point were we are annoyingly suspicious of everything. take care and enjoy the rest of the day

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jonathanfigaro

about 4 years ago

Personal growth is the start of all success. When you put yourself to the test and see what you can do. When you really put your guts on the line and put yourself in a do or die situation and you do it. Guess what? Your perception of yourself changes. Why? Because what you thought was so hard to do, is truly easier than you expected. And since , you where able to do that...guess whats the next question your going to ask? WHAT ELSE CAN I DO THAT I HAVE BEEN SAYING I COULDN'T? After this, you start to break barrier and hop over gates you though you would never be able to climb, be you did and you can. It all starts with you.

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Ayo Olaniyan

about 4 years ago

hi jonathan, how are you? simply put it all starts with us. every suggestion in the article requires us to take one step forward. take care and enjoy the rest of the day.

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rob white

about 4 years ago

I think the big one is to "take it easy." We have to learn not to take things personally. It is wonderfully freeing to know that we do not have make a dramatic ordeal out of a betrayal. Most people would rather get caught up in melodramatic soap opera than to take command of their mind and get on with their lives. rob white´s last blog post ..Creating Money Matters – Not Reacting to Them

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Ayo Olaniyan

about 4 years ago

hello rob, how are you? i guess we get into a frenzy because our emotions get in the way but it's important not to take things too personal. It's difficult but if we work at it, we should be on the path to recovery. take care and enjoy the rest of the day

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Preeti @ Heart and Mind

about 4 years ago

Ayo, I think many of us felt some of type betrayals in our lives. I have felt let down my friends and hurt was so real but sometimes we can not do much and have to move on. Relationships like clapping needs 2 hands. I like the tips, they are very useful to any of us who have gone through it. Preeti @ Heart and Mind´s last blog post ..Enlightment- An Awareness and Understanding

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Ayo Olaniyan

about 4 years ago

hi preeti, how are you? i'm also guilty of betraying people in the past and believe me there was nothing gained. i felt absolutely horrible. if there were 2 words to summarize this article, it would be move on!!! take care and enjoy the rest of the day.

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Clearly Composed

about 4 years ago

Great set of tips here! I love how they cover a wide range of expression since betrayal hits us in different ways at different times so we really do need an arsenal of coping skills at hand to effectively manage the feelings that arise from it. I always find the best advice here! :) Best for your day...and your weekend, Ayo. Clearly Composed´s last blog post .. Balance In Action

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Ayo Olaniyan

about 4 years ago

hi cc, how are you? i'm glad you liked the post and it's a different experience going through a betrayal but we've got to learn to cope with it and eventually rise above the pains and hurts. take care and have a lovely weekend.

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Sibyl - alternaview

about 4 years ago

Ayo: I think this is a great post and a very important topic because at some point, just about everyone has felt some form of betrayal. I think the key is having an approach that you can rely on to manage through betrayal. So often we just react and do things by default, but if we really reflect as you suggested and then determine an approach for managing through, I think we set ourselves up to really get through anything in the best way possible. Great list and post.

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Ayo Olaniyan

about 4 years ago

hello sibyl how are you? i totally agree with the notion of having a suitable approach which varies from person to person when dealing with a betrayal and taking time to reflect on the issue prevents us from overreacting take care and do have a lovely weekend.

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ranveer

about 3 years ago

Hi everyone i was in a relationship for more than seven years with a girl. I remained faithful to her and did every possible thing to make her happy and support her when she needed me. I never spent anything on me but always save to spent on her. I didnt have a career but i was eying to enter into civil services to make her happy for whole life. she also supported my decision. But she betrayed me and got married to someone else and even didnt informed me. i got know after many days from one of her friends. What should i do now???

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carlos

about 3 years ago

AYO-----it was pretty hard 2 4giv my gurl she betrayed me 4 no reason but i took her to the park and i forgave her my heart was aching 2 tell her dat i love her but what she did i just cant she was the first girl that ever made me cry she was the one dat stop my player ways i loved her n forgave her but deep down i still love her.......what should i do???????? thnx 4 taking some time 2 read my comment brah .......

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betrayed

about 3 years ago

ayo, thanks a lot for your inspiring article you had...It made feel myself so down when someone i trust betrayed me.. Now I should not worry and accept the fact i was betrayed..lol.. I should move on and be man!

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Maidofheart

about 3 years ago

Hi Ayo, Thank you for the insight. This is a neat write-up and very informative however, I feel there are some points there that might not be applicable in a marriage situation. For instance, point number 10: "Think Constructively: Think carefully and constructively on your future actions in old and new relationships. Do you want to give it one more chance, take a break or walk away from it completely?" Works perfectly in any other type of relationship but not ideal for a marriage and I hope I am interpreting this in the right context. Thanks.

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misti

about 3 years ago

Thank you Ayo, your post is very helpful. Late last year, I experienced betrayal of trust in two work friendships. Basically, I was ignored at a time I really needed sounding board not just personally, but professionally due to restructuring. Without knowing, I handled it as you have outlined above. One friend, I walked away from the relationship which was made easier because she moved to another company. The other, is my boss. The friendship has changed and it is disappointing because our team is so small. He makes the time and effort with others within the company (and the colleague who has left the company) and no plans to reconcile our work friendship. I admit I have held back so as not to be hurt again.

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mslaydee

about 3 years ago

Hey ayo, I think these were some really good tips. However in certain situations where u constantly give the benefit of the doubt, hoping for a truthful person or honest conversion, yet and still there is some type of betrayal, How then do you cope with trying to develop strength for a new start when it appears every start ends unfortunately. Or how do you suggest one is able to reconcile and love again, if not think of the future and find optimism to progress in life and within themselves if betrayal is present in almost every relationship they've encountered. Including within the family? Proper assessment before establishing relationships would be the best way to go before deciding to persue again, then again the world is full of these individuals and things that though may look astonishing and promising are actually rotten and of worst material. If you are an individual who despite all these betrayals decides "I'm going to overcome this because life continues and and in order for me to be triumphant I must learn to still endulge in it and associate with people" yet, still same situation? I believe it almost becomes impossible then to forgive and at times a great resentment may want to convert to revenge. At this stage the mind is consumed emotionally and physically reacts with negative composure. At this stage when betrayal is the only reality you've experienced, despite the good faith and love in the person you are, how do you sustain from becoming the betrayer. If not how do we remain better people. It truly becomes stressful and may cause anxieties and medical conditions such as high blood pressure, anemia, schizophrenia, bipolarness, stroke and suicidal thoughts, these people are categorized as? And you simply walk the earth, completely robotic, completely indifferent, dark, wounded, immune and numb....people who jus deal with betrayal?

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Sally

about 3 years ago

Hi Ayo Thank you for the post and the tips are very useful and indeed filled with showing your dignity in terms of dealing with betrayal. The hardest part would be the reconciliation and forgiving. You trust people in good faith but when you share something so painful and traumatic with the other person and they betrayal you with no remorse and Knowingly carried out the betrayal is extremely hard. There is no acknowledgement of what they have done other than using reverse psychology in which case forgivness is very difficult.

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Katz

about 2 years ago

Forgiveness is easy...for me. I was taught to forgive no matter what. Doesn't mean you want to continue a relationship that serves no positive purpose (for you). Absolutely not! So I have learned to not be too open with people at work, stay a bit beyond the long wooden spoon (do you know that one? Gran always said, "you wanna stir her with a long spoon") meaning, keep a nice long distance with certain people in your life whether by choice or not (family). Who needs more than a small handfull of choice people in your life? I know I don't. So meeting new people who last in your life is just a bonus. If not, that's fine too. Just another lesson, another buda for you to learn from.

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Dayna

about 2 years ago

Going through this experience now after going through it with ex husband who was abusive. Now my birth daughter found me with hurting me in mind. I feel so stupid for not sealing the records thinking she would realize I did it for her own good. I am going to get away from all these toxic people by July 4th of this year and start over all alone with my cat.

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Jennipher

about 2 years ago

Thank you for this...I have been betrayed so much by my own family (mother, aunt, and a couple of my 5 daughters). The pain is unbelievable; but so is the love of God which has truly taught me how to love all of them (from a distance) and not hold anything against them. One thing I have noticed throughout my life is that almost immediately after a betrayal....a BIG unexpected blessing comes! I also noticed that in order for Christ to get to the cross on on our behalf, He HAD to be betrayed by His own disciple (friend) Judas. Guess you could say betrayals may be divine setups for something awesome after the extreme pain.

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Tanya

about 5 months ago

AMEN!

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Asia

about 2 years ago

I have been betrayed by someone I thought I knew more than myself. I am sick to my stomach; crazy thoughts are dancing in my head. I loved this man! I have given so much of myself to him. Not only did he cheat but he carried on some kind of sick twisted fling with this broad. I think I should go on a water fast as long o I can endure it then slowly add veggies and fish so the next time he sees me I'm gonna blow his mind I am already sexy but any one can step up the wow factor! Hurting

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Deepu

about 2 years ago

Hi Ayo, This article has been very useful and many thanks for this :) The most difficult part of moving on after a betrayal would be trusting again. Atleast for me this has been a very difficult thing for the past one year. I am unable to trust anybody anymore nor do I like mingling around with new people. Could you please suggest me something about trusting again or moving on! Thanks!

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lakshana

about 2 years ago

this article helped me a lot,to overcome the hurdles in my life. Touchwood!

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vidhya

about 1 year ago

the article is extremely useful.. i exprienced a severe betrayal from the person whom i loved the most . i loved him heart and soul and after 3 years i found that he has an affair with his relative girl....gosh................hurting ...not able to walk, stand and do my routine jobs....health becoming so bad.....help please

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Alan

about 3 months ago

I know the advice is sound, and feeling so angry right now I want so much to tell her how shes hurt me!. How she deceived me, but above all else, I want to beat the Tar out of the guy that caused it all. I know know its primaeval, I know its un dignified and has not impressed my daughter, I have been Mr sensible all my life, but right now....

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