Please Note: This post focuses on those experiencing hurt from a broken relationship or break up.
You never thought things could go wrong; suddenly your world comes crashing down and the dreaded thought of a break up hovers round your head.
He/She meant the whole world to you, gave you meaning, but it’s a different story today. A break up is a painful experience and at times it leaves people scarred emotionally for life because people in troubled relationships have various expectations.
Although heartbreaking, there are exceptional circumstances where it’s advisable and healthy to go through a break up; but this post is centred on a few lessons to be learnt from a break up/broken relationship.
There are several factors that could contribute to a broken relationship namely:
- Communication breakdown
- A change in circumstances.
- Lack of trust and disrespect.
- Lying and cheating.
- Personal Issues.
- Pride.
The list is endless but the aim of this post is to highlight 7 lessons to be learnt from a break up or broken relationship.
In no particular order they are as follows:
Lesson 1: Pull Yourself Together
This involves gaining control of your thoughts and emotions. It’s a difficult phase of life but you’ve got to pull yourself together and the following might help:
Acknowledge how you feel and avoid living in self denial. The bitter truth is ‘it’s over’. Although painful, you have to accept it for all the logical reasons.(hmmh!!! am I being harsh here?).
It’s perfectly natural to feel sad, left out, possibly cry when going through a broken relationship because a lot of effort, time, love, care, money…… has been invested in building the relationship, but it’s important to pull yourself together.
You may be causing more harm to your well being, body, mind…. by not acknowledging how you feel.
Once you’ve accepted your feelings, it’s time to loosen your grip and LET IT GO.
Interact with people, talk to friends, family, colleagues….. about it, get occupied constructively… … with the sole aim of starting the healing process.
Understand the importance of taking time out to relax and once you are in control of your emotions, do a bit of reflection on the major conflicts which gave rise to actual break up.
Did you have any major part to play in the break up? Was there a display of arrogance, selfishness, love lost and is there a possibility of accepting some responsibility?
Finally, in pulling yourself together, allow time take it’s course, refresh mind, spirit and heart with a view to strengthening your emotions and boosting your self confidence.
Time brings recovery and gives you the opportunity to rebuild optimism.
Lesson 2: Appreciate Who You Are
Always remember you are a unique and lovely to behold. You could also spend more time discovering your purpose, who you really are, your temperaments, likes/dislikes…….
Be yourself; authentic, bold, loving, beautiful(handsome); come on!! appreciate who you are constructively.
The following tips may help out:
Appreciate and fall in love with your body. My friend Lauren explains this further in her post ‘Fall In Love With Your Body Now’.
Accept you are unique, a human being with flaws and attaining complete perfection is far fetched.
Avoid going through paths that lead nowhere, assuming compromising roles or people pleasing. It’s important you adher to this because you are vulnerable, could be manipulated or taken for granted. A quick note on people pleasing, my friend Jen Smith explains this in a post ‘How To Stop Being A People Pleaser’.
Finally, in appreciating who you are, there’s a need to care for your body. People become careless with their looks, appear rough and unkempt due to stress, strain excessive frustration as a result of a broken relationship/break up.
The following tips may prove useful in taking care of yourself:.
- Get enough rest each day
- Don’t abstain from food and drink plenty of water.
- Go for long walks, listen to music, get a massage…..
- Develop a routine for several activities.
- Dress up, look sharp/smart, don’t forget to apply your make up properly, get a haircut, shave or trim your beards……
- Get a manicure and pedicure
- Be, Look and Feel confident displaying a positive body image.
- Smile more and frown less..
- Have good personal habits or hygiene
- Pamper yourself in the bath with oils, soothing music and skin moisturisers.
Lesson 3: Work On Improving Your Self Esteem
Self Esteem refers to the overall beliefs, opinions you have about yourself; the value placed on yourself as an individual and your ability to cope or derive pleasures (happiness) from the basic challenges of life.
There is a slight chance of your self esteem taking a good beating because of a broken relationship or break up. Once a low self esteem kicks in you lose your self confidence, posture, ability to gather your thoughts…. …
The following tips might lift your self esteem when going through a break up:
- Be secured in who, what and whom you are.
- Take an optimistic view to life despite your current situation.
- Show determination to succeed in every phase of your life, not giving up as a result of the temporary setback currently faced in your relationship.
- Avoid wallowing in self pity. It’s important you learn to be and act responsibly.
- Begin to focus on and believe in your dreams and if you don’t have any START DREAMING.
- Be very clear and realistic about your goals and aspirations.
- Be thankful for things you have, people who love you and have spent time supporting or impacting your life.
- Turn the experience around. Ideally, the purpose of every experience, is to make you a better person who can confidently face whatever life has to offer.
- Handle the break up properly and in a matured manner.
Lesson 4: Connect With Friends And Family
There is so much to be gained from connecting with friends and family.
- They provide emotional support.
- Spending time with them reduces the hours of loneliness.
- They provide listening ears and offer various forms of encouragement.
- Spending time with friends and family is a great way to get things off your mind in relation to your break up.
In addition to connecting with friends and family you could also seek professional help where/when necessary and the services of a counsellor, psychotherapist, may be employed.
Lesson 5: Get On With Life
This may appear slightly controversial; but having the understanding everything happens for a reason and life generally involves facing hurdles and challenges, I submit today, it’s important you get on with life
Sitting in the corner of your room feeling miserable, hating men or women, getting drunk or hooked on drugs won’t bring about any form of consolation. It only makes matters worse and you need to recognise sometimes you can’t find interpretations to the events of life.
The following may help you get on with life. I must stress it’s not really an easy phase but it can be achieved:
- Explore new interests, activities and the possibility of moving back into the realms of dating.
- Enjoy all aspects of being single again.
- Face your fears.
- Sometimes it’s the best thing to do. A break up could be deemed as an acceptable or healthy option for preventing further heartbreaks. eg. cases of lying, cheating……
- Reach out to others
- Learn to forgive yourself and your ex although you’ve split up. Don’t feel stupid or worthless at the current situation.
- Fight the thoughts that tell you that you are a failure and are to blame for the end of your relationship.
- Don’t waste time on regret.
- If you’ve got children, please spend time raising them and showing good examples.
- Define your relationship with your ex.
- Look for a job, start or finish your degree, find a new flat or place to rent.
- Start a hobby, go travelling, have a holiday…
- Get to meet people, go out on dates after a while.
- Most of all, plan ahead for a bright future.
Lesson 6: You can be happy again.
Happiness is important because it improves your mood, alleviates depression and it would take your mind off the broken relationship.
The following tips may help in restoring your happiness:
- Change your thinking; that will help change the way you feel.
- If you’ve got children, spend time taking care of them and watch them grow into responsible adults.
- Make new friends or meet new people.
- Counting your blessings.
- Positive interaction with children, friends, families, colleagues……..
- Showing genuine acts of kindness to different people.
The list is endless and you could kindly contribute to it
Lesson 7: Start Again
Get back into the dating race or game lol!!! and it’s not cheeky.
You can do it; so Get in there!!!!
Once again the aim of this post is to highlight a few lessons to be learnt from a break up/broken relationship.
I’m hoping this post will provide some form of encouragement to at least one person.
I look forward to your comments and suggestions.
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Hey Ayo,
How are you?
Your post would have came in handy for me two years ago, when I broke up with my girlfriend of two years. I had a hard time pulling myself together, because my self of steem was to damaged, and eventually…things got better after I reconnected with my friends and family who I neglected throughout my relationship with the ex girlfriend.
Good insight!
–Parker
Parker!
.-= Parker Lee´s last blog ..What Your Father Never Taught you–About Fitting In.. .. =-.
hi parker,
how are you?
i am glad thiings got better and you were able to connect with family
have a lovely weekend
hi ayo,
this is great and believe me there are more lessons having been dealt blows in relationships.
it is comforting and assuring read this
hi emmanuel
how are you?
it’s great you find this assuring
take care amd have a lovely weekend.
Ayo,
WOW, this is a fantastic post! And thanks so much for linking to my post about loving your body.
This is a topic close to my heart. My dissertation was “Relationship Separation: A Window of Opportunity for Transformation”. My 3rd eBook is going to be on this topic!
It seems these major transitions in life really provide “grist for the mill”, an opportunity to grow and transform. But, it doesn’t feel that way at first. And I think your advice to first let yourself have your feelings is powerful.
All the steps you outline are a great guide for recovering.
Ayo, you come up with really valuable content. I love it!
Warm regards,
Lauren
.-= Laure n´s last blog ..Fall In Love With Your Body Now: Part IV =-.
hi lauren,
how are you?
your videos on falling in love with your body is awesome
thanks for your kind words
enjoy your weekend
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HI Ayo,
I love this post! Great tips! I especially love tip # 3, Improving Your Self-Esteem. Many times we give our power away to other people and depend on them to make us happy. We should realize that our true validation comes from within.
Thanks for sharing!!
.-= Jarrod@ Optimistic Journey´s last blog ..Are You In Indifference Mode? =-.
hi jarrod,
how are you?
i couldnt have put it in a better our validation comes from within
take care and enjoy the rest of the day
Hi Ayo,
Boy, can I relate to this post. A bad breakup a couple of years ago did a real number on me, but I would also add something else for those who are in the midst of a breakup. Do not have any contact with your ex for several months. No contact whatsoever as any contact will just be delaying the inevitable and reopens the wounds. Also, come to grip that you may never have the closure or the answers that you require. Life goes on and break-ups are a part of life. Each break-up teaches you lessons on what you require from the next person and teaches you what you are willing/not willing to be with for that person.
Thanks,
Karen
.-= Karen´s last blog ..The First Step In Finding Meaning For Your Life =-.
hi karen,
how are you?
thanks for bringing up the issue of keeping in touch with your ex. while some may found your views slightly controversial, i TOTALLY AGREE with it. one needs time to allow healing take place and as you’ve mentioned we could be opening wounds again.
take car and have a lovely weekend.
Thanks Ayo for this. My relationship before my husband was very hurtful. He took off to Korea with his ex. I cried for weeks. I couldn’t even get out of bed. I was so depressed. And day by day I was able to pull myself together. I discovered newfound love for “me” and healing myself in all levels. The most important relationship is one you have with yourself. I just spend so much time by myself. I enjoyed everything from beach walk, biking, running, studying, meditation. Just spending time by myself was INCREDIBLE experience. My confidence level went up. And I couldn’t ask for anything less because when you truly genuinely love yourself deeply and fully—a whole new world opens up to you. I hope to pass the same wisdom to my son. To always accept and love himself is above and beyond the single thing you can do in this life.
Thank You Ayo! Love & Blessings my friend!
.-= Therese Miu´s last blog ..Thank You Mama! A Mother’s Day Wish for You =-.
hi therese,
how are you?
i am glad things took a turn for the better. as for your son, with a mum like you he will be fine.
take care and have a lovely weekend
Hi Ayo!
The thing that struck me the most with this article was that nearly all the advice in it can and should be applied to anyone, regardless of their current relationship status. There is plenty of stuff here that would strengthen an already happy and healthy relationship.
Great stuff, Ayo!
Kind regards,
Steve
.-= Steve Youngs´s last blog ..Happy Mother’s Day, Mum =-.
hi steve,
how are you?
it’s great to have you stop by. thanks for your kind words and i agree the points raised are also applicable to those in a relationship.
take care and hope to see you again.
I agree with Steve. So much of this can and should be put into practice regardless of relationship status, especially appreciating ones self and keeping or getting your self esteem up. If your single, it will make you all the more attractive to the RIGHT kind of mate. If your attached, it will help you maintain a self identity outside the “us” identity…which will lead to a better relationship as you grow your own interests.
.-= Gurl´s last blog ..Recipe: Peanut Butter Candy =-.
hi gurl,
how are you?
YOU ARE WELCOME TO THE BLOG!!!(laugh) i am also excited reading comments from people who are new to the blog.
thanks for expanding steves comment and i hope to see you again.
take care and enjoy the rest of the weekend
Nice article Ayo,
One of the major important aspect of getting over someone is learning how to control one’s thoughts. If someone wants to get over someone, then he/she should start by focusing on something else. If someone, let say, looks in the mirror while holding an orange, then that person can’t expect to see an apple instead of the orange. The same thing goes with one’s thoughts.
Thanks for sharing Ayo
.-= Dia´s last blog ..How to overcome shyness? =-.
Hi dia,
how are you?
YOU ARE WELCOME TO THE BLOG!!!
i loved the analogy and illustration of one holding an orange in front of the mirror and not expecting to see an apple with reference to our thoughts and having control over them when we are trying to get over a past relationship.
hope to see you again.
take care of yourself and enjoy the rest of the weekend
Hi Ayo,
I remember going through a breakup and a dear friend saying to me, ‘it builds character.’ He sure was right! From that experience I emerged empowered. Like Steve mentioned, we can apply many of your wonderful tips to daily life regardless of our relationship status and that’s a great feeling
Warm Regards,
Kim
hi kim,
how are you?
i hope you got enough sleep and woke up feeling refreshed.
can we make that the 8TH LESSON with your permission please. It builds character and I also think if we handle breaks up properly we tend to really empathise with people(i could be wrong)
take care of yourself and do have a lovely weekend.
Hello Ayo,
Good points included here to help people realize why breakup with them and how to get back on with life.
Getting stuck on why did it happen with me only will ruin oneself. It will never help thinking all the negative points.
I would like to mention one thing here – When one applies for a job… the employer goes through huge amount of resume and selects one or two people. So, we should keep this thing in mind and find the right person for us… before we actually get into a relationship.
Bye for now,
Cheryl
.-= Cheryl Paris´s last blog ..Top 10 Inspirational Sayings You Need To Know =-.
hi cheryl,
how are you?
hope you’ve had a great weekend so far.
you hit the nail on the head with the analogy of employees selecting applicants for a particular job.
thats some food for thought
take care
Hi Ayo,
Some good tips here. Getting over a break up can be really hard and I like the way you laid out the different stages here. For me, allowing time to get over it and reconnecting with myself have been important at these times.
Thanks for the link to my people-pleasing post – very approriate.
Jen
hi jen,
how are you?
there’s a lot to gain from your post on pleasing.
take care and enjoy the rest of the day.
Fantastic post Ayo, breaking up obviously can be soo painful and pulling self together may be the last thing on a person’s mind when it happens…. Love all the points but really love the idea/lesson “appreciate who you are”… I suppose once able to appreciate who we are …others will equally appreciate us too
.-= Fatima Da´s last blog ..Tips to deal with confrontation =-.
Hi Fatima.
How are you?
I agree pulling oneself together may be the last thing on one’s mind but it is important to do it inorder to have a healthy frame of mind.
enjoy the rest of day
Hello Ayo,
I really like how you made this post so proactive. I think one of the prevalent feelings after a relationship ends is a loss of control. You showed in clear steps how much control we do actually have, even when we feel powerless, if we are willing to take baby steps and move forward.
Best to you for a wonderful week.
C.C.
.-= Clearly Composed´s last blog ..~ Inspirational Women Series: Alexandra Stoddard =-.
Hi CC,
How are you?
I guess we need recognise and understand baby steps are helpful inorder to gain control of our emotions, feel better and have a positive oulook
Take care and have a lovely week too.
Hi Ayo,
Thank you for your post and the responses it generated. Please excuse the small steps simplicity of my response … but it’s what came to mind…
When you are ready … feel it clearly
When you are ready … forgive (yourself and other)
When you are ready … learn the lessons
When you are ready … reconnect with your strength
When you are ready … move forward
Simultaneously or sequentially these combine to your benefit.
Transitions are difficult, some way more than others.
Taking small steps through them is both a challenge and an opportunity.
Thanks again for your post.
Have Fun,
Jim
.-= Jim Greenwood´s last blog ..Spirituality =-.
hi jim,
how are you?
welcome back and thanks a lot for breaking it down into smaller steps.
take care and enjoy the rest of the day.
p.s. i will be sending an email to you in a few days
Ayo – Just wanted to let you know that I added a link of your blog on mine. Don’t know what took me so long?
.-= Dominique´s last blog ..Take THAT CFIDS! =-.
Hi Ayo, wonderful tips! I would just like to add that if one wants to recover from a break-up, it’s important that he should carefully plan for his future. An individual should start visualizing what his life will look like without his partner, and create a clear view of what he needs to get from life. It would also help a person heal if he takes every chance he can to enjoy a peaceful moment. It’s also a perfect time for a person to reconnect with his friends, or even pick up a new hobby. It would help a person recover if there are small things in his life that a person can appreciate.
.-= Dawn @ Marriage Intimacy´s last blog ..Focus on the Little Things to Improve Marriage Intimacy in a Big Way =-.
hi dawn,
great to have you here and you have raised an important point on carefully planning out one’s future, forecasting what he/she wants to do or get from life in the absence of a partner.
Ayo: Great post and such an important article. I think so often that when we have breakups we get so tangled up in our emotions that we lost sight of the need to have an approach that will allow us to recover and move on. Consequently, we end up just reacting to our emotions day be day and allow them to be the driving force in our life. However, what we really need is a structured approach and a way to restore whatever part of ourselves we need to so that we can move on and move forward.
.-= Sibyl – alternaview´s last blog ..How to Maintain the Best Frame of Mind Everyday – All Day =-.
hi sibyl,
how are you?
thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. thanks for also emphasizing on the need to recover, get restored and move on.
enjoy the rest of the day
Thank you so much AYO!Am undergoing a very serious heartbreak.you have given me a reason to face tomorrow with confidence.
I believe life has to move on.furthermore Jesus came to earth took a human form was betrayed by a very close friend yet he forgave.Who am i not to forgive and forget?
Hi Ayo. I’ve recently split up with my boyfriend and it came as quite a shock as I thought we were getting on great. I’ve been left with disbelief and questions. Thinking the reason why was not really the reason. My confidence and self esteem is on the floor and your article has really helped so thank you