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The Listening Helps Program


Introducing The Listening Helps Program The Listening Helps Program is a counselling or coaching service offered to individuals who want to share or speak about their current life struggles. The program is designed to listen carefully and attentively to you; in a Read more

The Life Skills Magazine


Introducing ‘The Life Skills Magazine’ This is a collection of personal development and life style articles from various personal development bloggers. It’s a free monthly e- magazine and it’s exclusive to all email Read more

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Men Have Feelings Too!!

by Ayo Olaniyan in Body Language, Life Skills Development, Personal Development, Purpose, Relationships 38 Comments

Please Note: This post wasn’t published to generate controversies or appear one-sided. It’s dedicated to all the men struggling to find a voice as they go through so much emotional hurt, frustrations, anxiety etc. after a broken relationship, divorce, job loss, bankruptcy……

Women face similar challenges and some argue a lot more and I promise it would also be addressed on this blog. 

It’s a common practice for men to hide their feelings because we are ‘macho’; but after listening to James O’Brien’s Show today(LBC 97.3), prompted by an article in the papers: ‘Divorced men given shelter in pioneering Swiss project’(Daily Mail), I felt it was important to address the issue ‘Men Have Feelings Too.’

Although there are men who are just vulgar and possibly brutal in their actions/behaviour, it’s important to note: not all men are cheats, wife-beaters, irresponsible, liars, stereotypes etc.

The focus today is on men who are fighting to save their homes, marriage, children, jobs, minds…….

As a man I hid my feelings and worries that engulfed me, because the general rule is, expressing how we feel or betraying our emotions CONSTRUCTIVELY, isn’t a sign of masculinity.

Some home truths about men:

  • We get hurt and sometimes upset
  • Get Abused or Victimised.
  • We have a heart
  • Get Ridiculed
  • Have our children taken away.
  • Have our wives, girlfriends or partners walk out of our lives.
  • Face job losses
  • At times are sexually inactive
  • Run up debts and sometimes file for bankruptcy.
  • Lose sleep.
  • Men fall ill too!!!
  • Above all ‘Have Feelings Too.’

Am I suggesting that people don’t realise this? Yes!!! because it’s often overlooked.

Although men take an awful lot of bashing(some are justified), if you were to list the qualities or roles of men objectively you would discover they are:

  • Strong-willed.
  • Fighters
  • Responsible fathers.
  • Risk Takers.
  • Providers.
  • Loving husbands, partners, boyfriends…
  • Good Bosses or work colleagues.
  • Great comforters.
  • Have physical, mental, emotional and spiritual strength.

How Can Men Deal With The Struggles Of Life?

Based on my experience and studies, here are a few suggestions:

  • Accept you have feelings and sometimes they may take you down a rocky road. The strength of man is evident in handling emotional conflicts.
  • Swallow your pride. We all experience disappointments, failures in various phases of our lives. There’s absolutely no point hiding or running away from them. Don’t be so macho to a point of hopelessness.
  • Be honest with everyone around you. It’s also important you are honest with yourself because there’s nothing to be gained from self denial. It’s not bravery hiding from reality guys.
  • Accept and stand up to the responsibilities that come with the struggles of life. It’s no longer cool to shirk responsibilities, become a player, procrastinate…
  • Think carefully and constructively. This ensures you don’t make hasty decisions which could create future difficulties. Occasionally put logic in the corner of your mind(I know it’s difficult) and think with your heart.
  • Don’t be too hard on yourself. Guys don’t beat yourselves up because you’ve failed, relationships have gone sour, lost money……. You are simply inflicting punishments which have no rewards.
  • Surround yourself with friends and family. You really need them during this period. Stop thinking your friends won’t help out or you’ve lost all self respect because you shared your experience.
  • Avoid getting drunk or taking drugs with a view to forgetting or avoiding the difficulties. You might experience temporary relief but you are endangering your life and opening doors to further depression, frustrations.
  • If you’ve never prayed before, now is the time to give it a try. It does no harm at all.
  • Don’t engage in any form of self harm please. Well done to Greg (a caller to the show). I salute your courage, determination and honesty.
  • Allow time heal the wounds and scars from the past.
  • Exercise a bit of patience. Control the adrenalin pumping through your body.
  • If things get out of hand and you can’t cope, speak to a professional therapist or counsellor.
  • Get up and do something about the situation. That’s why you are a MAN. You fight, face challenges and stays strong.

To any lady/woman reading this please celebrate or appreciate the men in your life. It could be your friend, colleague, brother, partner, boyfriend father, husband………and remember they have feelings too.

To all the men going through the struggles of life and fighting to stay on top, I SALUTE YOU.

I look forward to your comments and suggestions.

Thanks

N.B. Please share this article everywhere(twitter, facebook, emails…). Let’s all encourage the men out there doing a good work.

  

 


Are You Really Listening

by Ayo Olaniyan in Blogging Experience, Body Language, Personal Development, Purpose, Relationships 27 Comments

Let’s look inwards for a few minutes; cross-examining your heart, mind … and respond carefully to this question ‘Are You Really Listening?’

Your daily activities involve a lot of listening in order to communicate effectively and properly.

You could engage in discussions with your children, wife, partner, husband, colleagues, bosses, friends, enemies, gossips…………. the list is endless, but Are You Really Listening?

Epictetus makes a profound statement, we have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.’

The post in context centres on interpersonal communication and much emphasis is placed on listening because of its importance and huge neglect when realting with people.

What is listening?

The Free Dictionary Online defines listening as making an effort to hear something. It’s a technique for improving understanding of what is being said by taking into account how something is said and the nonverbal signs and body language that accompany it.

Now there is a distinction between hearing and listening; I also acknowledge there are certain people or messages you shouldn’t listen or pay attention to, but this post attempts to highlight the various benefits of active but constrcutive listening and suggest practical tips for becoming an effective listener.

Carl Rogers and Farson (1979) describe active listening as ‘an important way to bring about changes in people.’

They suggested steps such as:

Listening for complete or total meaning: This involves listening for content and underlying emotions.

Responding to feelings: This involves responding to the emotional message being passed across.

Identify all the cues: It is important to watch out for non verbal descriptions or messages.

Winston Churchill states, ‘Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen’.

In no particular order here are 40 benefits of listening:

  • It prevents you from jumping into conclusions or making hasty assumptions.
  • It builds trust, encourages rapport and develops charisma between individuals
  • It enables you accept a person for who he/she is without being judgemental.
  • It expands your knowledge.
  • It causes you to think.
  • At times it could prevent mistakes or misunderstandings.
  • It promotes better and effective communication.
  • It enables you resolve various problems.
  • It allows people feel comfortable and relaxed when talking to you.
  • It allows you exercise positive or constructive influence.
  • It provides an opportunity for learning.
  • It enables you appreciate and understand people better.
  • It allows you stay focused on the conversation you are having.
  • It warns you of upcoming troubles.
  • It shows respect to the speaker indicating that you are genuinely interested in the conversation.
  • It allows you consider alternative methods, ideas or approaches.
  • It allows you recognise your shortcomings.
  • Women and men like being acknowledged and listened to respectively.
  • It gives you the confidence to agree on certain issues.
  • It allows you interpret ones emotions ie. Understanding when one is happy, sad…
  • It allows you understand and identify different body language types.
  • It enables you create or place some sort of values on individuals.
  • It clarifies any form of confusion going on in your mind.
  • It allows you relax and feel loved.
  • It keeps you in the picture
  • It gives you the guts to negotiate better.
  • It enforces your beliefs and views.
  • It makes you competent.
  • It increases personal power.
  • It strengthens bonds in relationships.
  • It wades into anger with a view to resolving it.
  • It could motivate you.
  • It challenges various structures of your thinking and beliefs.
  • It promotes optimism.
  • It builds self esteem because it implies you may be valuing what someone else is saying.
  • It fans the flames of love.
  • It enables you display empathy and sympthasize with the talker.
  • You are able to reflect the message back to the person speaking
  • It helps in making choices.
  • It promotes peace

And many more……………………..

There are several tips to become an effective listener.

They are as follows:

  • Maintain eye contact and a listening body language.
  • Give room for the person to talk without frequent interruptions
  • Ask questions.
  • Be patient.
  • Genuinely show interest in listening to the other party.
  • Don’t listen with a bias in your mind.
  • Create pictures in your mind about what the person is talking about.
  • Think about what you’ve heard before speaking.

And many more…………………….

Once again the aim of this post is to highlight the benefits of listening and suggest a few ways of becoming an effective listener.

I close with these words, ‘ARE YOU REALLY LISTENING?’

I look forward to your comments and suggestions.


Are You Wearing A Disguise

by Ayo Olaniyan in Body Language, Personal Development, Purpose 28 Comments

I just finished watching the movie Liar Liar by Jim Carrey for the third or fourth time, but I must say, it had a different spin on it today. The whole idea of lawyers being liars and his son wanting his dad to tell the truth for once in his life time, got me thinking about how we wear disguises by pretending to be who we aren’t and creating an unrealistic world in our minds.

Oscar Wilde states ‘Be yourself; because everyone else is already taken.’

So what is a disguise and is it necessary you wear one?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as a change in appearance or behaviour that’s misleading in order to conceal ones identity or true nature. It prevents you from being authentic.

The post in context;

Wearing a disguise involves:

  • Not being true to yourself.
  • Living in an unreal bubble (world) created by you.
  • Making up so many creative stories about who you are.
  • Constructing or imagining a lie you can easily live or partially adapt to.
  • Not letting your guard down or giving room for any slip ups.
  • Abandoning the basic fundamentals of life such as integrity, honesty……
  • Playing the part created in your mind either by acting it out; in this case trying to be the next…..(you know who) or by dressing up for it; ensuring your wardrobe is full of clothes to portray that image.

You can tell I’ve been down this route several times (laugh). While growing up I put myself in a situation where I tried so hard to be liked, but eventually got frustrated because it didn’t yield any result. I later discovered being myself, was the only way forward and that brought some lovely people into my life. François Duc de La Rochefoucauld puts it nicely stating ‘We are so accustomed in disguising ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.’

There are so many reasons why you could wear disguises:

  • To please yourselves and this works temporarily but fizzles out because you are not just cut out for it.
  • To please people
  • The fear of conflict.
  • The need for acceptance.
  • The need for love and recognition.
  • The fear of harm and punishment.
  • The fear of rejection.
  • Greed
  • Unrealistic expectations.
  • The need for respect.
  • It’s already a habit formed.
  • You are seeking happiness.
  • You have a low self esteem and poor self confidence.

In the words of Judy Garland, ‘Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.’

The aim of this post is to slightly alter your way of thinking by suggesting you can be celebrated, respected, honored by simply being yourself (constructively).

Being yourself is celebrating you, as an individual – learning to express yourself and be happy with who you are.

It’s learning to love you, not shielding who you are or altering things about you, in order to fit in.

The benefit of having a list is to identify one or two points which may prove useful in helping you discover who you really are.

In no particular order, here are a few ways to take off your disguise:

Define Who You Are

Your primary goal should be to find out who you are and what makes you tick as a person. It could be your lovely smile, the way or manner in which you talk and listen, academic brilliance, intelligence, domestic abilities……

Think about things you would/wouldn’t like to do; things that bring out the best or worst in you.

I ‘m fond of saying this;

What is your name? You are………. (fill in the blank spaces). Your name gives you a unique identity and it distinguishes you from others. Even if you bear a common name, your features such as hair, skin colour, height, eyes……. aren’t the same with others of similar names.

Accept Who You Are

You are a human with feelings, emotions… and is expected to make mistakes at times. Always feel good about who you are (positively), where you are now and display confidence about what to look forward to in the future.

You need to accept your race, heritage, culture, status, gender, make up, creed………. This is a difficult thing to do because you are faced with the reality of being honest with yourself. Some of us would prefer to be born with silver spoons, rich, have different cars, jobs, marry someone else…. The bitter pill is we all can’t be rich and famous.

There are some unique characteristics you possess which are responsible for your success if used constructively.

Show Some Creativity

You are loaded with a lot of creativity, but it can’t be utilized if you don’t know what you are good at. Creativity is a mental process involving the discovery of new ideas and concepts or the new associations of existing ideas or concepts, fueled by the process of either conscious or unconscious insight.

A few ways to boost your creativity:

  • Exercise your brain by thinking and brainstorming
  • Go for a walk
  • Read
  • Define your obstacles.
  • Have a small notebook/pad to write stuff down.
  • Listen to music

Value Experience

Every positive or negative event is a learning process in your life. The purpose of every experience gained, is to make you a better person who can confidently face whatever life has to offer.

In order to discover who you are, you must value all kinds of experiences and events you go through.

Believe In Your Dreams

Learn to defend the cause for what you believe in, not swaying around on different ideologies.

Believe that you can achieve your realistic dreams and Stop comparing yourself to others. It’s very important you carve out your identity and style.

Stand Up For Yourself

Learn to say no, when necessary. Stand up for what is right and what you believe in. Be assertive and not afraid of any constructive decisions you’ve made.

Be Inquisitive

Get as much information as you can. Expose yourself to different medias – read the papers, watch television, listen to the news on the radio, read books, establish a network with different people and have a decent social life.

 Ask questions, make discoveries, be challenged, and explore areas of interest. Whatever you do, make sure you GET INFORMED.

Appreciate Who You Are:

Many times you get caught up with work, families, children, circumstances, the economy, your personal achievements/ failures; that no time is taken to appreciate YOU!!

You are always concerned about what to do, what you have/don’t have, your limitations, failures…..

Please stop reading this for a minute, tilt your head backwards, think back in time and begin to appreciate who you are.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong in being goal oriented, caring, determined, driven by success etc. but always remember to give yourself some credit even if nobody does.

Face Your Fears

There are many situations and circumstances that give rise to fear and I am not too sure if they can be avoided but, they can certainly be managed.

Fear could be positive at times, making you approach life cautiously in certain areas, but it could also be a hindrance to progress.

A few ways of facing your fears are:

  • Stop running away and be bold.
  • Know your fears and find various ways of resolving them.
  • Study the pattern/Find out/ Trace when and how they occur.
  • Be open and honest about your fears.
  • Don’t ignore them
  • Break them down into smaller units.
  • Be determined to find a resolution.

Recognize The Need For Self Improvement

Learn to accept change. The world is constantly evolving; people/things are constantly changing, so you should always be open to any form of positive improvement.

Rest

The body requires rest after stressful bouts of hard work. Once rejuvenated, you are able to think clearly and be composed. This is important in building a healthy level of self esteem.

Once again, the aim of this post is to remind you of simple ways to be yourself by taking off that disguise.

A few questions:

  • Are you wearing a disguise?
  • Are you comfortable wearing it or do you want to take it off?

I look forward to your comments and suggestions.


35 Benefits Of Laughter

by Ayo Olaniyan in Body Language, Personal Development, Purpose 24 Comments

This post was inspired by watching the Prime Minister Gordon Brown crack a joke on question time today. Not that I have so much interest or knowledge in politics, but Gordon Brown hardly smiles (well at least the times I have seen him on television lol!!). It was fascinating to see him throw a wisecrack at David Cameron and laugh while doing so.

At that point my perception of him changed because his laughter brought out the human side of him despite his political controversies.

You may be going through tough times or experiencing difficulties, I dare say a dose of laughter could lift your spirits. Life is not all about being too serious or moody. Yes there is/was a recession, you may be struggling financially, you’ve just come out of a relationship or things appear cloudy with no ray hope in sight. Go on take a few minutes to think of something that would make you laugh, relax and ease the tension.

This post attempts to highlight the various benefits of laughter and suggest practical ways to induce laughter.

Laughter is a form of an outward expression of happiness, amusement and pleasure. It is a universal language that depicts joy or happiness and it’s derived from sound or movements your bodies make when you find something funny.

Robert Provine, Ph.D., a neuroscientist in his book Laughter: A Scientific Investigation, states that laughter establishes or restores a positive emotional climate and a sense of connection between two people, who literally take pleasure in the company of each other.

In no particular order, here are 35 benefits of laughter:

  • It relieves physical tension and stress.
  • It strengthens various relationships you’ve established.
  • It makes people feel/get attracted to you as a person.
  • It quashes conflicts or arguments that could spring up.
  • It promotes bonding between individuals.
  • It improves your mood.
  • According to medical research, it boosts your immune system.
  • It instils a form of calmness.
  • It allows you express yourself sometimes carelessly lol!!!.
  • It enhances optimism in different areas of  your life.
  • It could make complex situations appear less threatening.
  • It allows you express your true feelings.
  • It reduces anxiety.
  • It lowers your blood pressure.
  • It creates fun.
  • You feel great
  • It is free!!!
  • It lifts your spirits.
  • Women love a man that can make them laugh.lol!!!!!
  • It improves your social life.
  • It improves respiratory conditions, aids in ventilation and helps clear mucus plugs. (Journal of the American Medical Association)
  • It increases blood circulation and rise in oxygen and nutrient levels. (Journal of Biological Psychology)
  • It improves your looks by making you appear youthful
  • At times it helps to increase creativity.
  • It lightens burdens.
  • It gives room for self expression.
  • It promotes a positive attitude.
  • It promotes self acceptance.
  • It is therapeutic.
  • It drives away negative emotions
  • It could change your perspective on certain issues.
  • It brings healing to the hurt you are experiencing
  • It increases your mental flexibility.
  • It promotes self confidence.
  • It increases your tolerance levels because it lowers the risk of you being irritated by little things.

There are several ways laughter can be induced. They are as follows:

  • Develop the habit of smiling where necessary.
  • Spend time with people who are jovial and bring out the best in you.
  • Try introducing a bit of humour into what you say.
  • Count your blessings and appreciate all you have and the people around you.
  • Always to look out for the funny side of life.
  • Occasionally do silly things.
  • Participate in fun activities
  • Watch a comedy.
  • Interact with children. Trust me you would laugh a lot when interacting with little children.

So what makes you laugh?

I look forward to your comments and suggestions.


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