Let’s look inwards for a few minutes; cross-examining your heart, mind … and respond carefully to this question ‘Are You Really Listening?’

Your daily activities involve a lot of listening in order to communicate effectively and properly.

You could engage in discussions with your children, wife, partner, husband, colleagues, bosses, friends, enemies, gossips…………. the list is endless, but Are You Really Listening?

Epictetus makes a profound statement, we have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.’

The post in context centres on interpersonal communication and much emphasis is placed on listening because of its importance and huge neglect when realting with people.

What is listening?

The Free Dictionary Online defines listening as making an effort to hear something. It’s a technique for improving understanding of what is being said by taking into account how something is said and the nonverbal signs and body language that accompany it.

Now there is a distinction between hearing and listening; I also acknowledge there are certain people or messages you shouldn’t listen or pay attention to, but this post attempts to highlight the various benefits of active but constrcutive listening and suggest practical tips for becoming an effective listener.

Carl Rogers and Farson (1979) describe active listening as ‘an important way to bring about changes in people.’

They suggested steps such as:

Listening for complete or total meaning: This involves listening for content and underlying emotions.

Responding to feelings: This involves responding to the emotional message being passed across.

Identify all the cues: It is important to watch out for non verbal descriptions or messages.

Winston Churchill states, ‘Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen’.

In no particular order here are 40 benefits of listening:

• It prevents you from jumping into conclusions or making hasty assumptions.
• It builds trust, encourages rapport and develops charisma between individuals
• It enables you accept a person for who he/she is without being judgemental.
• It expands your knowledge.
• It causes you to think.
• At times it could prevent mistakes or misunderstandings.
• It promotes better and effective communication.
• It enables you resolve various problems.
• It allows people feel comfortable and relaxed when talking to you.
• It allows you exercise positive or constructive influence.
• It provides an opportunity for learning.
• It enables you appreciate and understand people better.
• It allows you stay focused on the conversation you are having.
• It warns you of upcoming troubles.
• It shows respect to the speaker indicating that you are genuinely interested in the conversation.
• It allows you consider alternative methods, ideas or approaches.
• It allows you recognise your shortcomings.
• Women and men like being acknowledged and listened to respectively.
• It gives you the confidence to agree on certain issues.
• It allows you interpret ones emotions ie. Understanding when one is happy, sad…
• It allows you understand and identify different body language types.
• It enables you create or place some sort of values on individuals.
• It clarifies any form of confusion going on in your mind.
• It allows you relax and feel loved.
• It keeps you in the picture
• It gives you the guts to negotiate better.
• It enforces your beliefs and views.
• It makes you competent.
• It increases personal power.
• It strengthens bonds in relationships.
• It wades into anger with a view to resolving it.
• It could motivate you.
• It challenges various structures of your thinking and beliefs.
• It promotes optimism.
• It builds self esteem because it implies you may be valuing what someone else is saying.
• It fans the flames of love.
• It enables you display empathy and sympthasize with the talker.
• You are able to reflect the message back to the person speaking
• It helps in making choices.
• It promotes peace

And many more……………………..

There are several tips to become an effective listener.

They are as follows:

• Maintain eye contact and a listening body language.
• Give room for the person to talk without frequent interruptions
• Ask questions.
• Be patient.
• Genuinely show interest in listening to the other party.
• Don’t listen with a bias in your mind.
• Create pictures in your mind about what the person is talking about.
• Think about what you’ve heard before speaking.

And many more…………………….

Once again the aim of this post is to highlight the benefits of listening and suggest a few ways of becoming an effective listener.

I close with these words, ‘ARE YOU REALLY LISTENING?’

I look forward to your comments and suggestions.

I just finished watching the movie Liar Liar by Jim Carrey for the third or fourth time, but I must say, it had a different spin on it today. The whole idea of lawyers being liars and his son wanting his dad to tell the truth for once in his life time, got me thinking about how we wear disguises by pretending to be who we aren’t and creating an unrealistic world in our minds.

Oscar Wilde states ‘Be yourself; because everyone else is already taken.’

So what is a disguise and is it necessary you wear one?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as a change in appearance or behaviour that’s misleading in order to conceal ones identity or true nature. It prevents you from being authentic.

The post in context;

Wearing a disguise involves:

• Not being true to yourself.
• Living in an unreal bubble (world) created by you.
• Making up so many creative stories about who you are.
• Constructing or imagining a lie you can easily live or partially adapt to.
• Not letting your guard down or giving room for any slip ups.
• Abandoning the basic fundamentals of life such as integrity, honesty……
• Playing the part created in your mind either by acting it out; in this case trying to be the next…..(you know who) or by dressing up for it; ensuring your wardrobe is full of clothes to portray that image.

You can tell I’ve been down this route several times (laugh). While growing up I put myself in a situation where I tried so hard to be liked, but eventually got frustrated because it didn’t yield any result. I later discovered being myself, was the only way forward and that brought some lovely people into my life. François Duc de La Rochefoucauld puts it nicely stating ‘We are so accustomed in disguising ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.’

There are so many reasons why you could wear disguises:

• To please yourselves and this works temporarily but fizzles out because you are not just cut out for it.
• To please people
• The fear of conflict.
• The need for acceptance.
• The need for love and recognition.
• The fear of harm and punishment.
• The fear of rejection.
• Greed
• Unrealistic expectations.
• The need for respect.
• It’s already a habit formed.
• You are seeking happiness.
• You have a low self esteem and poor self confidence.

In the words of Judy Garland, ‘Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.’

The aim of this post is to slightly alter your way of thinking by suggesting you can be celebrated, respected, honored by simply being yourself (constructively).

Being yourself is celebrating you, as an individual – learning to express yourself and be happy with who you are.

It’s learning to love you, not shielding who you are or altering things about you, in order to fit in.

The benefit of having a list is to identify one or two points which may prove useful in helping you discover who you really are.

In no particular order, here are a few ways to take off your disguise:

Define Who You Are

Your primary goal should be to find out who you are and what makes you tick as a person. It could be your lovely smile, the way or manner in which you talk and listen, academic brilliance, intelligence, domestic abilities……

Think about things you would/wouldn’t like to do; things that bring out the best or worst in you.

I ‘m fond of saying this;

What is your name? You are………. (fill in the blank spaces). Your name gives you a unique identity and it distinguishes you from others. Even if you bear a common name, your features such as hair, skin colour, height, eyes……. aren’t the same with others of similar names.

Accept Who You Are

You are a human with feelings, emotions… and is expected to make mistakes at times. Always feel good about who you are (positively), where you are now and display confidence about what to look forward to in the future.

You need to accept your race, heritage, culture, status, gender, make up, creed………. This is a difficult thing to do because you are faced with the reality of being honest with yourself. Some of us would prefer to be born with silver spoons, rich, have different cars, jobs, marry someone else…. The bitter pill is we all can’t be rich and famous.

There are some unique characteristics you possess which are responsible for your success if used constructively.

Show Some Creativity

You are loaded with a lot of creativity, but it can’t be utilized if you don’t know what you are good at. Creativity is a mental process involving the discovery of new ideas and concepts or the new associations of existing ideas or concepts, fueled by the process of either conscious or unconscious insight.

A few ways to boost your creativity:

• Exercise your brain by thinking and brainstorming
• Go for a walk
• Read
• Define your obstacles.
• Have a small notebook/pad to write stuff down.
• Listen to music

Value Experience

Every positive or negative event is a learning process in your life. The purpose of every experience gained, is to make you a better person who can confidently face whatever life has to offer.

In order to discover who you are, you must value all kinds of experiences and events you go through.

Believe In Your Dreams

Learn to defend the cause for what you believe in, not swaying around on different ideologies.

Believe that you can achieve your realistic dreams and Stop comparing yourself to others. It’s very important you carve out your identity and style.

Stand Up For Yourself

Learn to say no, when necessary. Stand up for what is right and what you believe in. Be assertive and not afraid of any constructive decisions you’ve made.

Be Inquisitive

Get as much information as you can. Expose yourself to different medias – read the papers, watch television, listen to the news on the radio, read books, establish a network with different people and have a decent social life.

 Ask questions, make discoveries, be challenged, and explore areas of interest. Whatever you do, make sure you GET INFORMED.

Appreciate Who You Are:

Many times you get caught up with work, families, children, circumstances, the economy, your personal achievements/ failures; that no time is taken to appreciate YOU!!

You are always concerned about what to do, what you have/don’t have, your limitations, failures…..

Please stop reading this for a minute, tilt your head backwards, think back in time and begin to appreciate who you are.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong in being goal oriented, caring, determined, driven by success etc. but always remember to give yourself some credit even if nobody does.

Face Your Fears

There are many situations and circumstances that give rise to fear and I am not too sure if they can be avoided but, they can certainly be managed.

Fear could be positive at times, making you approach life cautiously in certain areas, but it could also be a hindrance to progress.

A few ways of facing your fears are:

• Stop running away and be bold.
• Know your fears and find various ways of resolving them.
• Study the pattern/Find out/ Trace when and how they occur.
• Be open and honest about your fears.
• Don’t ignore them
• Break them down into smaller units.
• Be determined to find a resolution.

Recognize The Need For Self Improvement

Learn to accept change. The world is constantly evolving; people/things are constantly changing, so you should always be open to any form of positive improvement.

Rest

The body requires rest after stressful bouts of hard work. Once rejuvenated, you are able to think clearly and be composed. This is important in building a healthy level of self esteem.

Once again, the aim of this post is to remind you of simple ways to be yourself by taking off that disguise.

A few questions:

• Are you wearing a disguise?
• Are you comfortable wearing it or do you want to take it off?

I look forward to your comments and suggestions.

This post was inspired by watching the Prime Minister Gordon Brown crack a joke on question time today. Not that I have so much interest or knowledge in politics, but Gordon Brown hardly smiles (well at least the times I have seen him on television lol!!). It was fascinating to see him throw a wisecrack at David Cameron and laugh while doing so.

At that point my perception of him changed because his laughter brought out the human side of him despite his political controversies.

You may be going through tough times or experiencing difficulties, I dare say a dose of laughter could lift your spirits. Life is not all about being too serious or moody. Yes there is/was a recession, you may be struggling financially, you’ve just come out of a relationship or things appear cloudy with no ray hope in sight. Go on take a few minutes to think of something that would make you laugh, relax and ease the tension.

This post attempts to highlight the various benefits of laughter and suggest practical ways to induce laughter.

Laughter is a form of an outward expression of happiness, amusement and pleasure. It is a universal language that depicts joy or happiness and it’s derived from sound or movements your bodies make when you find something funny.

Robert Provine, Ph.D., a neuroscientist in his book Laughter: A Scientific Investigation, states that laughter establishes or restores a positive emotional climate and a sense of connection between two people, who literally take pleasure in the company of each other.

In no particular order, here are 35 benefits of laughter:

• It relieves physical tension and stress.
• It strengthens various relationships you’ve established.
• It makes people feel/get attracted to you as a person.
• It quashes conflicts or arguments that could spring up.
• It promotes bonding between individuals.
• It improves your mood.
• According to medical research, it boosts your immune system.
• It instils a form of calmness.
• It allows you express yourself sometimes carelessly lol!!!.
• It enhances optimism in different areas of  your life.
• It could make complex situations appear less threatening.
• It allows you express your true feelings.
• It reduces anxiety.
• It lowers your blood pressure.
• It creates fun.
• You feel great
• It is free!!!
• It lifts your spirits.
• Women love a man that can make them laugh.lol!!!!!
• It improves your social life.
• It improves respiratory conditions, aids in ventilation and helps clear mucus plugs. (Journal of the American Medical Association)
• It increases blood circulation and rise in oxygen and nutrient levels. (Journal of Biological Psychology)
• It improves your looks by making you appear youthful
• At times it helps to increase creativity.
• It lightens burdens.
• It gives room for self expression.
• It promotes a positive attitude.
• It promotes self acceptance.
• It is therapeutic.
• It drives away negative emotions
• It could change your perspective on certain issues.
• It brings healing to the hurt you are experiencing
• It increases your mental flexibility.
• It promotes self confidence.
• It increases your tolerance levels because it lowers the risk of you being irritated by little things.

There are several ways laughter can be induced. They are as follows:

• Develop the habit of smiling where necessary.
• Spend time with people who are jovial and bring out the best in you.
• Try introducing a bit of humour into what you say.
• Count your blessings and appreciate all you have and the people around you.
• Always to look out for the funny side of life.
• Occasionally do silly things.
• Participate in fun activities
• Watch a comedy.
• Interact with children. Trust me you would laugh a lot when interacting with little children.

So what makes you laugh?

I look forward to your comments and suggestions.

This is a response to the question asked by a reader of this blog.

Am I qualified to write on such topics? Errr!!! Yes!!! I’ve known my wife for 11years (been married for 4 years, dated for 7 years), but I must state clearly, ‘I am not the perfect husband or father to my children, but I do my best each day to support them at all times.’

A quick reminder, there are other  posts on this blog such as 50 Ways To Get Over A Broken Relationship and Resolving Difficulties In Relationships that would equip you, should you find yourself in those circumstances.

Relationships

This is an association or connection existing between two or more individuals. People involved in relationships tend to influence each other positively or negatively, share their thoughts or feelings, and engage in several activities together.

The 3^rd stage of Levingers Relationship Theory states, after initial attraction and revelation of who you are, there is a tendency to make long term commitments which leads to various life long stable relationships.

This post attempts to suggest various tips that may prove useful in developing your love relationships.

In no particular order, here are a few tips to enhance your love relationships:

• Be Yourself!!! I am beginning to sound like a broken record because I keep emphasizing on this point. In relationships it’s extremely important for you to be yourself. You are who you are and you’ve got to be accepted and respected for that.
• Go into a relationship with your EYES open, using your head first followed by your heart. (This is controversial but I totally subscribe to this school of thought)
• Remind yourselves of the love you share by VERBALIZING IT. It’s not difficult, say it ‘I love you’ and don’t get fed up of saying it.
• Be authentic in your relationship.
• Show interest in each other.
• Show optimism in your relationships.
• Appreciate who you are and value who your partner is.
• Be open to change.
• Know and understand each other.
• Have realistic goals and aspirations in your relationships.
• Think positively and highly of each other.
• Appreciate each other and understand the different roles you have to play.
• Do things and grow together. It’s amazing the level of positive impact this has on your relationships.
• Be comfortable around each other and enjoy one another’s company.
• Experience happiness and joy together.
• Be responsible for and accountable to each other.
• Be faithful and committed to one another.
• Express your needs to each other.
• Learn to build up trust for each other.
• Learn new things together.
• Suffer together.
• Be an open book easy to read and decipher.
• Give each other positive compliments.
• Have fun together.
• Express your feelings, emotions, anxiety, anger…. WITH A BIT OF COMMON SENSE.
• Resolve conflicts amicably.
• Admit when you are wrong and apologize immediately.
• Avoid holding grudges against one another and forgive when wronged.
• Avoid making comparisons with other people you know.
• Avoid talking about previous relationships or ex’s and if you have to, make sure you round up such discussions emphasizing your love for each other.
• Never go to bed with a hot head. Learn to talk things over.
• Don’t fly  into a rage of anger or jealousy.
• Spend quality time together
• Master the art of listening to each other.
• Always stay attracted to each other, if you are putting on weight run down to the gym immediately!!!!
• Don’t bottle things up.
• Quarrel a bit. (Hmmh!!!! Slightly controversial)
• Plan your finances together. Make a budget of your household expenses, shopping, bills …. (Be open to discussing issues pertaining to money)
• Be proud of the love you share. Develop the habit of talking about each other BRIEFLY to friends, family, colleagues etc where necessary. This leaves a lasting impression in the minds of people.
• Fulfil your responsibilities and obligations.
• Respond to various issues with great care and warmth.
• Celebrate your interests, hobbies, similarities together.
• Go out, shop, cook, …. Together!!!!
• Spring up lovely surprises.
• You don’t have to agree with everything said, requested or presented to you. Always scrutinize it and let your other half know why you feel uncomfortable/undecided about certain issues.
• Develop the habit of loving selflessly.
• Learn to sacrifice all you can for one another (your time, money, desires…)
• Have no secrets (I know this is controversial)
• Plan/Start a family together.
• Plan your future together.
• Have you got children? Be part of their lives!!!!
• Don’t forget memorable dates/days.
• Don’t forget to touch at the slightest opportunity EVERY DAY. Go on, give warm hugs, cuddles, squeezes…..
• Talk about your day to each other.
• Call or send text messages to one another while at work, on a trip or…….
• For heavens sake show some romance in your relationships!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t be so boring.
• Always play with each other.
• Pray together
• Flirt as much as you can.(Yessssssssssss)
• Get involved with friends and families. This is important because you can’t exist in isolation and you need some form of support when you go through difficult seasons in the relationship.
• Be patient with one another and give room to voicing your opinions and worries.
• Be honest with each other
• Show loyalty to one another.
• Understand the various body languages expressed.
• Show some empathy in your discussions.
• Spice up your love and sex life within common and agreeable grounds
• Laugh a lot at/with each other.
• Develop/Improve/Increase your level of communicating with each other. This is absolutely necessary. Have you tried sign language???
• Respect each others values, beliefs, morals, conduct………
• Try as much as you can to keep to your words or promises.

It would be great to note your tips or suggestions on how to manage your love relationships.

I look forward to your comments and suggestions.

**Please note: the context of this post, isn’t  applicable to everyone but it’s worth reading and all comments or suggestions are welcome.

I am starting a series on Body Language that would run at least once a week for the next four weeks. It’s centred on the study of The New Psychology Of Body Language by Geoffrey Beattie and Understanding Body Language by Richard Thompson (to mention a few).

What is Body Language?

Michael Argyle and Peter Trower state humans express themselves in 2 distinct forms (a) language (through the use of words) and (b) non verbal communication.

Body language is a form of non verbal communication which is expressed through body pose, gestures, eye movements, hand signals etc.

The benefits of body language are as follows:

• It aids constructive interaction with people
• It helps in convincing others to accept what you say.
• It could prevent misunderstandings.
• It increases your chances of dating people and building relationships.
• It helps understand our feelings and acknowledge the feelings of others.

The aim of this post is to highlight (expose laugh!!) simple body language signs that represent certain behaviours, character, attitudes you exhibit in our daily lives. The following body language signs are based on the feedback from questionnaires filled out by friends identifying those signs common to them.

(Self Esteem/Confidence) Body Language Signs

• Hands behind the back show you are confident, relaxed, appear to know what you are talking about, a bit authoritative, powerful and comfortable.
• Head lowered indicates low self confidence, guilt and acceptance of defeat.
• Running fingers through hair could mean you are showing confidence in your looks, trying to gain attention or is visibly frustrated at certain events happening at that time.
• A smart or brisk walk with an upright posture could indicate a healthy level of self esteem and confidence.
• Constant pulling, scratching or patting down the hair shows low self confidence and insecurity.
• Avoiding eye contact displays lack of confidence, fear, guilt and in exceptional cases it could be a sign of submission if the eyes are lowered.
• Continuous blinking of the eye indicates nervousness.

(Thinking/Decision Making) Body Language Signs

• Stroking the chin could mean you are about to make a decision.
• Hands on the cheek connote thinking.
• Looking directly upwards or hands on the forehead shows you are thinking deeply.
• Looking upwards and to the right indicates you are trying hard to remember something.

(Showing Interest) Body Language Signs

• A tilted head (sometimes backwards) indicates you are showing keen interest in something occurring at that time. It could be a particular topic, movie, discussion, person etc.
• Stroking the front of the neck could mean showing concern for what someone else is saying.
• Nodding casually and occasionally indicates you are listening and is interested in what’s been said.
• A bright or widening eye shows a high level of interest in what’s been said or discussed.

(Not Interested) Body Language Signs

• Eyes roaming all over the place implies you’ve lost interest, is bored and not listening.
• Excessive nodding gives the impression you’ve lost interest and would just want to end the conversation.
• Tugging the ear means you are undecided.
• Rubbing the nose shows you don’t agree with what is being said and doubts the concept of the discussion.
• Kicking lightly or tapping your foot suggests you are completely bored and you’ve exhausted all your patience.

(Irritation) Body Language Signs

• A break in eye contact could mean you feel threatened, insulted, irritated or your lies have been exposed.
• Quick glances into space during a conversation could mean you were irritated by the last statement made.

(Gossip) Body Language Signs

• Eyes moving from side to side during a conversation could suggest other people shouldn’t hear or get involved in your discussion, gossip and slander.
• Once again, a bright or widening eye shows could show a high level of interest in the discussion (gossip).
• Touching or pulling the ear indicates you are possibly lying about someone or something.

(Being Open) Body Language Signs

• Open arms indicates you are approachable, love, show warmth, give affection, is friendly etc.
• Palms touching the chest could imply your honesty.
• Upward hand gestures expresses and open and positive message.
• Smiling also shows you are comfortable, warm, friendly, easy going etc.

(Anxiety) Body Language Signs.

• Sweaty palms in some cases reflect anxiety.
• Fingers crossed could signify hope or a bit of anxiety
• Clearing the throat or swallowing air could mean a display of anxiety.
• Tapping or drumming fingers shows impatience and frustration.
• Biting your fingernails (not the bad habit) indicates nervousness and anxiety.
• Fiddling with all kinds of items within your reach could mean you are anxious, bored, nervous etc.

(Possible Flirting) Body Language Signs

• Sizing up a person from head to toe could mean you are ‘checking them out’.
• Eyebrows rising and falling means you are attracted to the person you are looking at.
• Smiling also depicts you are pleased to see the person.
• Stealing glances or a continuous gaze at someone suggests you have a desire to know that person.
• Chest up and forward in men symbolizes a show of strength and for women it could be seen as a provocative romantic display.
• Hips pushed forward while leaning back is a provocative and suggestive gesture.
• Fixing collars, pulling up socks, hands in pockets are a few ways the male ego manifests.

There are more examples but it would be limited to these ones today. In the mean time, can you relate to any or all of the body language signs above? There are so many other body language signs exclusive to each of us. Do you have any more suggestions?

I look forward to your comments.