Please Note: This post doesn’t promote the notion of being taken for granted.

A research carried out by Dr. Patricia Chang and her colleagues states ‘Angry young men risk heart attacks.’  It showed angry young men were five times more likely than their calmer counterparts to have an early heart attack, even without a family history of the condition.

Now if that got you worried, you’ve got to read this….

Dr. Aaron Sell and his colleagues carried out a research and came to a conclusion ‘Pretty women are angered more easily.’ (Did anyone chuckle?). They found out that women who rated themselves as pretty displayed a war-like streak when fighting battles to get their own way because they had higher expectations of what they deserved.

So much for the researches carried out, I leave you with the words of Ingrid Collins a Consultant psychologist of The London Medical Centre,  ‘The latest findings are interesting but should be interpreted with caution. This is a small study on a very limited sample group, so it’s not possible to generalise.’(with reference to the last research)

The Free Online Dictionary defines losing one’s temper as a sudden outburst of anger. It’s a natural feeling, experienced when you feel frustrated, hurt, rejected or hostile. It’s a powerful emotion, and if it isn’t handled properly, could having a damaging effect on you, your family, friends……

No matter how hard you try not to, occasionally you are going to blow up but the aim of this post is to suggest a few reasons to control your temper, encourage an assertive behaviour (with a bit of common sense) and list ways of recovery once you’ve lost it.

You may lose your temper if:

• You’ve been offended as a result of a betrayal or being lied to.
• You are experiencing so much stress.
• It’s become a bad habit over time.
• You feel threatened, fearful and your self esteem is on the decline.
• You disagree with people over their thoughts, manners or ideals
• You have unrealistic expectations on several issues, people….
• You are a control freak.
• You make so many comparisons with other people’s children spouses, jobs…….. (could this stem from your envy?)
• At times an experience of sexual frustration.
• There’s a feeling powerlessness associated with losing one’s temper either at children because of issues centred on discipline, manipulation………..

The list is endless……………………….

British scientists’ state healthy people who lose their temper are 19 per cent more likely to die of a heart attack than those who keep their emotions under control and among those who already have heart disease; ferocious outbursts raise the risk of dying from their condition to 24 per cent. (Courtesy Daily Mail)

Here are 25 reasons not to lose your temper:

• You are able to control your emotions
• You are able to control what actions you take
• You end up listening and pay more attention to details.
• You are able to use your head as well as your heart.
• You don’t end up living with regret as a result of the words or you’ve said, insults given or actions taken.
• It reduces the risk of having a heart disease.
• It gives you room to forgive others.
• It reduces the risk of a high blood pressure
• It refrains you from exhibiting a bullying behaviour.
• It helps to keep you physically and mentally healthy.
• You avoid all forms of violence (especially domestic violence) and possible self harm.
• It reduces the risk of losing loved ones.
• It builds intimacy.
• It preserves your integrity and dignity.
• It promotes happiness.
• It allows you address the problem clearly and gives you an understanding of how to handle it should it occur in the future.
• You are able to take informed decisions based on your views/perspectives of people, events and situations.
• You could dig up some humour out of the current situation.
• It improves or enhances better communication.
• You build stronger relationships.
• It prevents you from being too hard on yourself
• It allows you think positively.
• It prevents you from sending out wrong signals or giving a different impression .
• It stops you from feeling dejected.
• It gives you peace of mind.

Please Note: It is not having angry feelings that causes problems, but what you do about it and how you express it.

What to do when you’ve lost it?

• Regain your composure.
• Accept your very human error.
• Be willing to compromise.
• Avoid harbouring so many thoughts about any individual, situation or circumstance.
• Choose your battles carefully.
• Talk yourself down.
• Learn to relax and meditate.
• Talk to someone (friend, family, professional…) about it

How do you get your message across to someone who has hurt/upset you?

Become assertive: Being assertive is a healthier way to express anger than aggression.

You could do the following:

• Speak up for yourself but in a controlled manner.
• Tell people you feel angry about a situation, an event….
• Talk slowly and clearly
• Focus on using the words I, in order to make sure it’s clear that it’s about you and not them.
• Make requests rather than demands or threats.
• Enhance your communication skills and body language.

Do you still feel like losing your temper? Hmmh!!! Your guess is as good as mine.

I look forward to your comments and suggestions.

This is a guest post by Ben Weston.

Ben Weston is the writer of CreativeCourage.org. He is a circus acrobat by day and personal development writer by night. He writes about movement and creating your dream life.

My girlfriend and I have done it all-  casually dated, lived together, lived across the nation, lived together again, and now live separately but close by. We’ve gone through many different stages and as a result, have had the occasional argument along the way.

What’s taken me a while to realize is that arguments do not have to be “bad” ordeals. Of course I don’t find them enjoyable, but they can be a positive overall experience if viewed as an opportunity to learn how to work with the differences you and your partner have. Handled correctly, you become closer to your loved one. 

Inevitably as a relationship progresses, there will be times of misunderstanding and disagreement as the couple continues to learn how to interact with one another in increasingly more areas of their lives. It is healthy to express these concerns and new feelings as they arise. If a couple has never argued, it could mean there are bottled up emotions and incomplete understandings of the relationship. Although I am writing from the perspective of the boyfriend, these of course apply for both partners.

The moment has arrived. One of you hit a tender spot; One of you has been misunderstood; You completely disagree with how she’s reacting; She doesn’t understand why you are mad and you are getting frustrated. Both of you know that an argument is bubbling up to the surface- what do you do?

Here are a few tips I’ve learned that may help answer this question: 

Tip 1

Try not to use the word “you”or blame the other person. Even if you are feeling that it is the other person’s fault, try beginning the sentence with “I feel…” instead. Saying it in the form of something you are feeling and perceiving makes it less accusatory and helps both people better discover where the misunderstanding may have arisen.

Tip 2

Related to the first one, make the effort to genuinely understand where your partner is coming from and vice versa.

Instead of trying to reason and defend your views, put your ego aside and genuinely listen to what she has to say. Let her know that you understand (if you truly do) why she is feeling how she is and where she is coming from.

The first tip will help with this understanding. Misunderstandings are often simple and easy to find if you can truly open yourself up to the idea that neither person is right or wrong, which is the part where you set your ego aside. In the end, do you want to think that you were “right” or know that you got closer to the person you love?

Tip 3

There’s a time for releasing emotions and there’s a time for taking time to sleep on things. Your girlfriend will want to know that you truly care and sometimes that means that you must let yourself be angry/sad/frustrated/hurt in front of her. Being analytical and trying to figure out the situation is sometimes the last thing she wants. Be genuine and show how you truly feel. 

Tip 3

Sometimes, however, you both may need to have space. Emotions may be running too high to have any sort of constructive discussion, and that’s ok! Having space to let things simmer down a bit and regain clarity is very useful. Be clear to your partner that you just need time to calm down and think clearly, not because you don’t want to be with her.

Tip 4 

Be honest. A woman can always tell when you are not being emotionally honest and present.

Tip 5

Hug and kiss her. If issues have been resolved but tension is still present, sincerely apologize for your part, smile, hold her, kiss her, and tell her that you love her. If this is still difficult to do, more work needs to be done. Sometimes tension just needs time, but sometimes one person still feels wronged. Make sure you release all your emotions with the “I feel” statements so that the issue can be fully resolved.

I’ve learned throughout my relationship with my girlfriend that no matter what, I love her and I know that we’ll get through our arguments. I know that by the end of them we’ll be just fine and able to hug and kiss one another.

Try some of the above tips if you find yourself in a precarious position with your loved one, and I know you’ll be able to experience the same.

 Ayo:  It would be great to have a female’s view on this subject.

Please Note: This post focuses on those experiencing hurt from a broken relationship or break up.

You never thought things could go wrong; suddenly your world comes crashing down and the dreaded thought of a break up hovers round your head.

He/She meant the whole world to you, gave you meaning, but it’s a different story today. A break up is a painful experience and at times it leaves people scarred emotionally for life because people in troubled relationships have various expectations.

Although heartbreaking, there are exceptional circumstances where it’s advisable and healthy to go through a break up; but this post is centred on a few lessons to be learnt from a break up/broken relationship.

There are several factors that could contribute to a broken relationship namely:

• Communication breakdown
• A change in circumstances.
• Lack of trust and disrespect.
• Lying and cheating.
• Personal Issues.
• Pride.

The list is endless but the aim of this post is to highlight 7 lessons to be learnt from a break up or broken relationship. 

In no particular order they are as follows:

Lesson 1: Pull Yourself Together

This involves gaining control of your thoughts and emotions. It’s a difficult phase of life but you’ve got to pull yourself together and the following might help:

Acknowledge how you feel and avoid living in self denial. The bitter truth is ‘it’s over’. Although painful, you have to accept it for all the logical reasons.(hmmh!!! am I being harsh here?).

It’s perfectly natural to feel sad, left out, possibly cry when going through a broken relationship because a lot of effort, time, love, care, money…… has been invested in building the relationship, but it’s important to pull yourself together.

You may be causing more harm to your well being, body, mind…. by not acknowledging how you feel.  

Once you’ve accepted your feelings, it’s time to loosen your grip and LET IT GO.

Interact with people, talk to friends, family, colleagues….. about it, get occupied constructively… … with the sole aim of starting the healing process.

Understand the importance of taking time out to relax and once you are in control of your emotions, do a bit of reflection on the major conflicts which gave rise to actual break up.

Did you have any major part to play in the break up? Was there a display of arrogance, selfishness, love lost and is there a possibility of accepting some responsibility?

Finally, in pulling yourself together, allow time take it’s course, refresh mind, spirit and  heart with a view to strengthening your emotions and boosting your self confidence.

Time brings recovery and gives you the opportunity to rebuild optimism.

Lesson 2: Appreciate Who You Are

Always remember you are a unique and lovely to behold. You could also spend more time discovering your purpose, who you really are, your temperaments, likes/dislikes…….

Be yourself; authentic, bold, loving, beautiful(handsome); come on!! appreciate who you are constructively.

The following tips may help out:

Appreciate and fall in love with your body. My friend Lauren explains this further in her post ‘Fall In Love With Your Body Now’.

Accept you are unique, a human being with flaws and attaining complete perfection is far fetched.

Avoid going through paths that lead nowhere, assuming compromising roles or people pleasing. It’s important you adher to this because you are vulnerable, could be manipulated or taken for granted. A quick note on people pleasing, my friend Jen Smith explains this in a post ‘How To Stop Being A People Pleaser’.

Finally, in appreciating who you are, there’s a need to care for your body. People become careless with their looks, appear rough and unkempt due to stress, strain excessive frustration as a result of a broken relationship/break up.

The following tips may prove useful in taking care of yourself:.

• Get enough rest each day
• Don’t abstain from food and drink plenty of water.
• Go for long walks, listen to music, get a massage…..
• Develop a routine for several activities.
• Dress up, look sharp/smart, don’t forget to apply your make up properly, get a haircut, shave or trim your beards……
• Get a manicure and pedicure
• Be, Look and Feel confident displaying a positive body image.
• Smile more and frown less..
• Have good personal habits or hygiene
• Pamper yourself in the bath with oils, soothing music and skin moisturisers.

Lesson 3: Work On Improving Your Self Esteem

Self Esteem refers to the overall beliefs, opinions you have about yourself; the value placed on yourself as an individual and your ability to cope or derive pleasures (happiness) from the basic challenges of life.

There is a slight chance of your self esteem taking a good beating because of a broken relationship or break up. Once a low self esteem kicks in you lose your self confidence, posture, ability to gather your thoughts…. …

The following tips might lift your self esteem when going through a break up:

• Be secured in who, what and whom you are.
• Take an optimistic view to life despite your current situation.
• Show determination to succeed in every phase of your life, not giving up as a result of the temporary setback currently faced in your relationship.
• Avoid wallowing in self pity. It’s important you learn to be and act responsibly.
• Begin to focus on and believe in your dreams and if you don’t have any START DREAMING.
• Be very clear and realistic about your goals and aspirations.
• Be thankful for things you have, people who love you and have spent time supporting or impacting your life.
• Turn the experience around. Ideally, the purpose of every experience, is to make you a better person who can confidently face whatever life has to offer.
• Handle the break up properly and in a matured manner.

Lesson 4: Connect With Friends And Family

There is so much to be gained from connecting with friends and family.

• They provide emotional support.
• Spending time with them reduces the hours of loneliness.
• They provide listening ears and offer various forms of encouragement.
• Spending time with friends and family is a great way to get things off your mind in relation to your break up.

In addition to connecting with friends and family you could also seek professional help where/when necessary and the services of a counsellor, psychotherapist, may be employed.

Lesson 5: Get On With Life

This may appear slightly controversial; but having the understanding everything happens for a reason and life generally involves facing hurdles and challenges, I submit today, it’s important you get on with life

Sitting in the corner of your room feeling miserable, hating men or women, getting drunk or hooked on drugs won’t bring about any form of consolation. It only makes matters worse and you need to recognise sometimes you can’t find interpretations to the events of life.

The following may help you get on with life. I must stress it’s not really an easy phase but it can be achieved: 

• Explore new interests, activities and the possibility of moving back into the realms of dating.
• Enjoy all aspects of being single again.
• Face your fears.
• Sometimes it’s the best thing to do. A break up could be deemed as an acceptable or healthy option for preventing further heartbreaks. eg. cases of lying, cheating……
• Reach out to others
• Learn to forgive yourself and your ex although you’ve split up. Don’t feel stupid or worthless at the current situation.
• Fight the thoughts that tell you that you are a failure and are to blame for the end of your relationship.
• Don’t waste time on regret.
• If you’ve got children, please spend time raising them and showing good examples.
• Define your relationship with your ex.
• Look for a job, start or finish your degree, find a new flat or place to rent.
• Start a hobby, go travelling, have a holiday…
• Get to meet people, go out on dates after a while.
• Most of all, plan ahead for a bright future.

Lesson 6: You can be happy again.

Happiness is important because it improves your mood, alleviates depression and it would take your mind off the broken relationship.

The following tips may help in restoring your happiness:

• Change your thinking; that will help change the way you feel.
• If you’ve got children, spend time taking care of them and watch them grow into responsible adults.
• Make new friends or meet new people.
• Counting your blessings.
• Positive interaction with children, friends, families, colleagues……..
• Showing genuine acts of kindness to different people.

The list is endless and you could kindly contribute to it

Lesson 7: Start Again

Get back into the dating race or game lol!!! and it’s not cheeky.

You can do it; so Get in there!!!!

 Once again the aim of this post is to highlight a few lessons to be learnt from a break up/broken relationship.

I’m hoping this post will provide some form of encouragement to at least one person.

I look forward to your comments and suggestions.

A report published on the BBC website today shows a research carried out by scientists at the University of Edinburgh analysing celebrity Twitter messages in a bid to find out how happy the senders are.

The researchers believed the study could provide insights into the emotional well-being of the general population as they looked at word patterns in the tweets of 13 celebrities.

Basketball player Shaquille O’Neale ( woo hoo!!! I love Shaq) was said to be the happiest tweeter, followed by cyclist Lance Armstrong and television presenter Jonathan Ross (one of my favourites although the Andrew Sachs episode can’t be easily forgotten).

The rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg was the least happy. (Culled From The BBC Website)

The study, which was carried out in partnership with a technology firm, found that the majority of celebrity messages were happy and positive.

Hmmh!! I kept thinking about what I had read for a few minutes and then proceeded to ask my colleagues several questions with a view of gathering enough information for this topic.

This post focuses on the definition of happiness, what stimulates or promotes it and finally the importance and benefits.

What is Happiness?

Happiness is a state of well-being and contentment. It could also be a pleasurable, fulfilling or satisfying experience.

Dr. Martin Seligman believes happiness dissolves into three different ideas, each of which is separately buildable and measurable.

They are as follows:

a)     Pleasant life (having as much positive emotion and as little negative emotion as possible),

b)    The engaged life (being completely absorbed by the challenges you face at work, love, play etc.

c)      The meaningful life (knowing what you highest strengths are and using them to belong to and serve something that is bigger than you are.)

What promotes Happiness?

This section would focus on a list few things you participate in, experience, and indulge yourselves in order to derive happiness.

They are as follows:

• Good food lol!!!
• Making new friends or meeting new people.
• Counting your blessings.
• Positive interaction with spouses, children, friends, families, colleagues……..
• Showing genuine acts of kindness to different people.
• Exercising regularly.
• Engaging  in a hobby
• Being passionate about things that add value to your life.
• Although it’s slightly controversial but being wealthy or rich (living within your means) also promotes happiness.

…………………………Please note the list is endless…………………………………..

Once again the aim of this post is to define happiness, find out what promotes it and highlight the importance and benefits.

The words of Maxim Gorky constantly leave an echo in my mind; ‘Happiness always looks small while you hold it in your hands, but let it go, and you learn at once how big and precious it is.’

In no particular order here are 40 Benefits Of Happiness.

• True happiness makes you feel comfortable about who you are constructively.
• Happiness boosts your creativity
• It promotes a better mental health.
• It gives you a greater feeling of self worth.
• It gives you focus for living.
• It promotes commitment to work, family, goals…..
• It provides a sense of fulfilment and satisfaction.
• Happiness fosters forgiveness.
• It promotes altruism i.e. unselfish concern for the welfare of others
• It opens or creates an avenue for resolving failure constructively.
• It enhances your psychological and physiological well being.
• A dose of happiness is really therapeutic.
• If you are happy you are likely in the future to have less in the way of physical illness than those who are unhappy (Dr Derek Cox, Director of Public Health)
• Happiness improves your social life.
• It gives you a good feeling within.
• Happiness boosts positive thoughts and expectations.
• Happiness makes you flexible and easily adapts to change.
• Laughter thrives and grows on happiness
• Happiness serves as an energy booster.
• It creates job satisfaction and increases good performance in your workplace.
• It increases your level of productivity and personal growth.
• It aids in effective conflict management
• It creates and enhances successful relationships with you friends, family, colleagues….
• It lowers blood pressure reducing the impact of stress.
• It gives you peace of mind.
• Happiness increases the level of your motivation.
• It gives you self control, self regulation and further coping abilities.
• It creates a level of spiritual awakening and development.
• It promotes optimism.
• Happiness gives you a meaningful life
• Happiness brings about relaxation.
• It enhances positive and constructive communication with people.
• It enables you to handle and put your emotions in check.
• It boosts your self esteem and self confidence.
• It creates a positive anticipation of the future.
• It promotes resilience.
• Happiness promotes and supports your dreams
• It creates positive expectations.
• It sets your mood for the day.
• Happier people also have greater protection against things like heart disease and stroke.(Andrew Steptoe, the British Heart Foundation Professor of Psychology at University College London)

Would you make an effort to live a happy and fulfilled life despite the struggles and challenges of life?

I leave you with these words “Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.”(author unkown)

I look forward to your comments and suggestions.

Resolving Conflict In Relationships

A report, ‘Can Our Brains Help Us Solve Conflicts’ published on the BBC website, highlights the findings of Baroness Susan Greenfield and Jeremy Lack as they examined the link between neuroscience and conflict resolution.

This report suggests the brain can determine optimal ways to resolve disputes, no matter their type by optimizing cognitive and psychological concepts into what will make your brain maximally receptive and innovative. It goes on to explain several ways of resolving conflicts making references to how the brain interprets them.

It seems like a very exciting field of study and it inspired the title Resolving Conflict In Relationships. This post will focus briefly on the benefits of constructive conflict and also attempt to highlight several ways of handling conflicts that occur in relationships.

Conflict:

This occurs whenever people disagree over their values, motivations, perceptions, ideas, or desires. The Miriam Webster Dictionary defines it as an opposition or a mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes and external or internal demands.

Being able to handle conflicts or resolve differences is very important in developing and maintaining constructive relationships.

Although the effects of conflicts could be heartbreaking and stressful, there are a few advantages of having constructive conflicts such as:

• It promotes listening to each other over time.
• It allows you to show care to one another
• It develops or strengthens the bonds formed with friends, spouses, partners, parents, children etc and brings about closeness.
• It creates an avenue for understanding each other better
• It develops positive relationships
• It gives room to the voice of reason.

And many more…………………………………….

The aim of this post is highlight useful ways of resolving conflicts experienced in a relationship.

In no particular order, here are my suggestions:

• Try as much as possible to analyse and understand the cause of the conflict. It could be simple things such as a lack of attention, money, house/office work, squeezing the tooth paste tube, leaving your socks on the floor,…….
• Understand there would be a difference of opinions at times. You are unique individuals with different upbringings, conditioning, tolerance levels…
• Act responsibly and believe me when I say this difficult but you’ve got to work at it.
• Avoid piling up several hurtful events and offences. It creates a stigma in the relationship.
• Accept you are wrong where necessary and avoid manipulating or trying to control the other party.
• Avoid making unnecessary assumptions which could be harmful during conflicts, because it could frustrate the entire relationship.
• Make sure you aren’t over reacting and give room to the voice of your conscience.
• Spend considerable time dealing with very touchy or sensitive issues. It exposes the whole relationship to the tolerance test while hiding from such issues only postpones the evil day.
• Take feasible and practical steps to reconciling your differences and be willing to forgive.
• Show some humour and laugh when necessary. This shouldn’t be done to scorn or mock the other party but there are times where you get tickled to laugh during a heated argument. Trust me when done genuinely it melts the ice.
• Sometimes you should just let go of the situation or issues.
• Slow down on the shouting, screaming, swearing, hissing, pointing, fingers in the ears….
• AVOID ALL FORMS OF PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL VOILENCE.
• Start listening to each other. There’s so much to be said and you can learn a whole lot.
• Ask questions with a view to getting clear and proper explanations.
• Get people you trust involved in speaking to both parties and not taking sides.
• Seek professional help if it’s absolutely necessary.
• Explore various opportunities to resolve the conflicts
• Learn to empathise with the other party involved.
• Communicate your thoughts, views, feelings clearly. Avoid living in self denial because it creates a state of the VICTIM MENTALITY.
• Demonstrate self control, display a high level of tolerance and control your anger.
• Give yourselves some space and time to calm down.
• Speak the truth always displaying the creed of honesty and integrity.
• Avoid being too defensive and aim to promote peace where you can.
• Stop running away from conflicts with a view to please and not hurt the other party. Stand up, and face it with all you’ve got, adding a bit of common sense(this is a bit controversial but I’ll stick to it)
• Know when to call it quits and painfully go separate ways.

The benefits of resolving conflicts in a relationship are as follows:

• It reduces your stress levels.
• It gives you  peace of mind by getting things off your head and chest.
• It strengthens and improves your relationship.
• It enhances your personal growth and development.
• It increases the flow of communication between all parties concerned.

How have you handled your conflicts?

You could encourage someone by sharing your experience

I look forward to your comments and suggestions