It’s been a very hectic week maintaining a balance with my family, work, the blog, studies…….. but it was worth every moment.

This post was inspired by yesterday’s news ‘Young people self-harming with sharp objects up 50%’. It was broadcast on BBC News Beat, Sky News, the BBC website and because it kept coming up at intervals, it gave me food for thought.

This post focuses on practical tips in dealing with the obstacles of life and I sincerely hope it would provide alternatives to your thoughts on giving up on life, self harm, discouragement……..

The report lists a few reasons for self harm such as:

• Family difficulties
• Feeling desperate about a problem and don’t know where to turn for help
• Bottling up all sorts of emotional tension till you feel like exploding.
• Experiencing guilt or shame that becomes unbearable.
• Going through various forms of abuse or trauma.
• Your body image
• Going through stress at work
• Facing school pressures.                                         (Culled From The BBC)

The Free Dictionary defines the phrase ‘Give Up’ as the loss of hope, admitting defeat and the act of surrendering with no will to fight again.

Albert Einstein states ‘It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.’

Life is filled with so many challenges. You’ve got to do your best to gain control of your emotions and stay on top of each situation despite its difficulty.

Once again, DON’T GIVE UP ON LIFE.

WHY????

My Response: Life issues are common problems or crisis that happens to everyone living normal lives. You can turn it around constructively or the difficulties face, could be useful catalysts for success and finally there is happiness, fulfilment, satisfaction gained as result of facing the struggles of life.

The aim of this post is to encourage you NOT TO GIVE UP ON LIFE and suggest useful ways of dealing with the events of life.

When the world says, “Give up,”Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.” Author Unknown

Take some time to consider the following:

What’s On Your Mind

You need to identify the negative events that constantly weigh you down and wear you out. Figure out all the things in your life that promote stress. It could be unsupportive relationships, failures, work stress, physical or mental abuse….

For a start, you could answer these questions:

• What’s on your mind?
• Is it worth your time and energy?
• Are you able to trace when it started becoming an issue?
• Have you been affected physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, emotionally…….?

Once you have an idea of what these obstacles are, it’s time to take steps in the right direction to minimize their impact.

Condition your thoughts

Often times, you can’t face challenges because you are so engrossed in negative thoughts. Approaching the struggles of life with so much pessimism isn’t very healthy. There’s a likelihood of making wrong choices and incorrect judgments.

In the real world, it’s normal to feel hurt, wounded, betrayed and exhausted, but it’s no excuse to give up on life.

Give room for healing to take place, be moderately optimistic and try as much as you can to GET A GRIP ON YOUR THOUGHTS.

You Are Not Alone

In the words of Michael Jackson, ‘You are not alone…..

There have been a few people who have experienced similar issues and could be a source of help to you. There are books, blogs, communities, clubs, and support groups etc that solely cater for specific issues that bring about unrest.

You could browse various personal development sites online or check the yellow pages for various support groups that could be of assistance.

Be Secured In Who You Are

Insecurity has no place in the game of life. Learn to love and appreciate who you are constructively.

Underestimating your capabilities will make you a pitiful insecure individual and push you closer to the realms of GIVING UP ON LIFE.

Accept who you are, what you have, be confident in yourself, so you could move on with the knowledge of being a unique/distinguished individual.

Develop Your Self-Efficacy

Self efficacy simply believes you are able to perform in a certain manner in order to attain specific goals and make life meaningful.

It is developed over time by responding positively to challenges with actions, motivation and persistence.

Researchers suggest self-efficacy can be increased by setting realistic goals, having mentors, living a life of purpose and through positive affirmation.

Face Your Challenges.

In order to rise above the feeling of giving up on life, you need to face your challenges, stay strong. Understand you can’t change the past, because it’s happened, but you can shape your future by dealing with the current challenges of life positively.

Your perspective of the future can change once you embrace the knowledge of standing up to life’s challenges.

You can face those challenges by:

• Doing something positive.
• Taking a step in the right direction.
• Making very tough decisions eg.reducing your alcohol limits, losing contact with a few friends, breaking free from certain relationships.
• Becoming proactive.
• Going back to areas where you have experienced failure and TRY AGAIN.

Discuss Your Fears

Don’t be scared of sharing your feelings/anxieties with trusted friends, family or professionals.

Sharing problems with people you trust is therapeutic and will release the bottled up emotions giving you a clear head, peace of mind and move you towards a life of happiness.

Feel Good About Yourself

Celebrate your achievements and enjoy every wonderful experience you’ve had. According to research people feeling depressed fail to pay attention to their success, achievements or strengths.

Feel good about who you are (positively), where you are now and display confidence about what to look forward to in the future.

Slow down on excessive self criticism because over time, constant negative feelings result in negative affirmations.

One more thing: Spoil yourself occasionally, it doesn’t hurt at all.

Communicate Your Feelings Properly

This is very important because it promotes understanding and puts the message you are trying to pass across in the right context.

Ensure you express yourself in an appropriate manner and where there is a tendency to act irrational; exercise a bit of self discipline, pull yourself together (it may be difficult considering the circumstances involved; but it is important).

Develop Resilience

Resilience is the ability to spring back from and successfully adjust to the complex issues of life. It is the ability to develop strength in the midst of your frustrations.

Developing resilience when faced with the thoughts of giving up on life is essential because:

• You develop positive moods suitable for your health.
• You can handle and cope with different forms of stress and difficulties
• You build optimism
• You make a certain amount of progress

Learn From Your Experience

Form the habit of managing your failures carefully. It is a phase everyone must go through. You can see it as a golden opportunity to rewrite the scripts of success.

Think a little bit about the painful/difficult events of the past; how you can prevent some from occurring again and how you can improve on various actions you’ve taken which eventually led to positive outcomes.

In carrying out this exercise, avoid being too critical of yourself, but rather reflect on all that you’ve learnt.

Build Positive Relationships

Building positive relationships with a network of trusted friends could provide huge benefits such as enhancing your level of reasoning, expanding your horizon, having a shoulder to lean on……

In the context of friendship, if you’ve developed trust with certain individuals and isn’t scared to discuss private matters with a fear of being judged or getting disappointed, go ahead.

There are several approaches to resolving different issues and you can learn from the experience of others. Getting sound counsel could reduce stress levels and bring about happiness.

Positive relationships also create some sort of accountability to people who won’t be afraid to speak up when you are going down a dangerous route or snatch you when you are heading for disaster.

Finally;

Get Professional Help

You can’t undermine the importance of counselling or any form of talking therapies. If you sense the need for professional advice, do not hesitate to call or visit your local GP, a professional counsellor or psychotherapist.

This is straight from my heart ‘DON’T GIVE UP ON LIFE.’

I look forward to your comments and suggestions.

It’s that time of the month again and ………

I am pleased to inform every reader and subscriber to this blog, the second edition of The Life Skills Magazine is out now!!!

A TEASER TO WET YOUR APPETITE

Does anyone want a copy?

Subscribe by email to this blog and get a free copy delivered to your mail box.

It’s that simple. Past editions will be available to new subscribers, and you also get two blog posts sent to you weekly. TALK ABOUT A BONUS!!!!

The Life Skills Magazine is collection of personal development and lifestyle articles from various personal development bloggers/writers with the aim of creating a purpose driven life.

The second edition contains:

A thought provoking interview with James Richmond ( The Infoprenuer) who states ‘You Are Already Dead’. He also reminds us of the benefits of working hard, tells us a bit about himself, encourages us to keep pushing……..  James bares his mind with so much confidence; I find it rather motivating, instructing and inspiring.

Christine Livingston of A Different Kind Of Work discusses how to make coaching work for you. She lists a few things to look out for when employing the services of a coach.

Steve Aitchison of Change Your Thoughts  raises 10 Questions To Change Your Life aimed at enhancing your progress and promoting personal development.

Evan Hadkins of Wellbeing And Health.Net  tells you When Something Is Not Working; Something Has to Change. Now what would that be?

Patricia Bechtold of BechTold Life Works talks about Your Inner Magician and The Power Of Naming. She also tells you to focus on your possibilities.

Robert Twomey; A poet in the making writes a poem WHO………….

Cheryl Paris of Cheryl Paris Blog gives us 6 Special Tips To Motivation. She tells you to get your motivation levels back up RIGHT NOW.

The list goes on……….

Thank you so much for the time and effort you’ve put into making this edition come out successful.

Also a very big THANK YOU to Matt Jeffrey of MajDesigns who created the artwork, graphics, and design etc….making the magazine come ALIVE!!! You’ve raised the bar in this edition.

You could also contribute to the next edition of the magazine, please read

In mean time, enjoy reading this issue.

Oh!! One more thing; Don’t forget to GET A COPY by SUBSCRIBING TO THIS BLOG

I look forward to your comments and suggestions.

Let’s look inwards for a few minutes; cross-examining your heart, mind … and respond carefully to this question ‘Are You Really Listening?’

Your daily activities involve a lot of listening in order to communicate effectively and properly.

You could engage in discussions with your children, wife, partner, husband, colleagues, bosses, friends, enemies, gossips…………. the list is endless, but Are You Really Listening?

Epictetus makes a profound statement, we have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.’

The post in context centres on interpersonal communication and much emphasis is placed on listening because of its importance and huge neglect when realting with people.

What is listening?

The Free Dictionary Online defines listening as making an effort to hear something. It’s a technique for improving understanding of what is being said by taking into account how something is said and the nonverbal signs and body language that accompany it.

Now there is a distinction between hearing and listening; I also acknowledge there are certain people or messages you shouldn’t listen or pay attention to, but this post attempts to highlight the various benefits of active but constrcutive listening and suggest practical tips for becoming an effective listener.

Carl Rogers and Farson (1979) describe active listening as ‘an important way to bring about changes in people.’

They suggested steps such as:

Listening for complete or total meaning: This involves listening for content and underlying emotions.

Responding to feelings: This involves responding to the emotional message being passed across.

Identify all the cues: It is important to watch out for non verbal descriptions or messages.

Winston Churchill states, ‘Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen’.

In no particular order here are 40 benefits of listening:

• It prevents you from jumping into conclusions or making hasty assumptions.
• It builds trust, encourages rapport and develops charisma between individuals
• It enables you accept a person for who he/she is without being judgemental.
• It expands your knowledge.
• It causes you to think.
• At times it could prevent mistakes or misunderstandings.
• It promotes better and effective communication.
• It enables you resolve various problems.
• It allows people feel comfortable and relaxed when talking to you.
• It allows you exercise positive or constructive influence.
• It provides an opportunity for learning.
• It enables you appreciate and understand people better.
• It allows you stay focused on the conversation you are having.
• It warns you of upcoming troubles.
• It shows respect to the speaker indicating that you are genuinely interested in the conversation.
• It allows you consider alternative methods, ideas or approaches.
• It allows you recognise your shortcomings.
• Women and men like being acknowledged and listened to respectively.
• It gives you the confidence to agree on certain issues.
• It allows you interpret ones emotions ie. Understanding when one is happy, sad…
• It allows you understand and identify different body language types.
• It enables you create or place some sort of values on individuals.
• It clarifies any form of confusion going on in your mind.
• It allows you relax and feel loved.
• It keeps you in the picture
• It gives you the guts to negotiate better.
• It enforces your beliefs and views.
• It makes you competent.
• It increases personal power.
• It strengthens bonds in relationships.
• It wades into anger with a view to resolving it.
• It could motivate you.
• It challenges various structures of your thinking and beliefs.
• It promotes optimism.
• It builds self esteem because it implies you may be valuing what someone else is saying.
• It fans the flames of love.
• It enables you display empathy and sympthasize with the talker.
• You are able to reflect the message back to the person speaking
• It helps in making choices.
• It promotes peace

And many more……………………..

There are several tips to become an effective listener.

They are as follows:

• Maintain eye contact and a listening body language.
• Give room for the person to talk without frequent interruptions
• Ask questions.
• Be patient.
• Genuinely show interest in listening to the other party.
• Don’t listen with a bias in your mind.
• Create pictures in your mind about what the person is talking about.
• Think about what you’ve heard before speaking.

And many more…………………….

Once again the aim of this post is to highlight the benefits of listening and suggest a few ways of becoming an effective listener.

I close with these words, ‘ARE YOU REALLY LISTENING?’

I look forward to your comments and suggestions.

Ssshh!!! Can I share a secret with you?

I failed again. 

What am I going to do? Hmm !!!  Look for other alternatives.

Talking about how you resolved the various difficulties of life; coming out strong and successful, provides an inspiration to people currently going through similar experiences.

Your perception of failure may differ from others but it’s safe to say we all exhibit negative emotions (even if it’s for a brief moment) each time we experience failure.

So what is failure and how have I experienced it?

The Free Dictionary describes failure as the condition or fact of not achieving the desired end result. It is also a decline in strength or effectiveness of an individual.

My friends/family are aware of my high grades (possibly a distinction) in failure because:

• I just failed a task 16 hours ago.
• I failed in the first semester of year 1 at the university. I had 7 referrals out of 9 courses. Hmm!! those days; I wanted to change universities because I was so embarrassed and kept it from my parents till my final year, but I’m so grateful to my reading buddies, because it turned out well in the end.
• I partnered in a very small business which crumbled after two years.
• I felt inferior because I didn’t always meet up to people’s expectations: stayed in a shared flat, had no car, no money or exclusive designer wears…..It’s always very funny when I take a trip down memory lane,
• I was turned down at several job interviews.
• I harbored a low self esteem because I felt I wasn’t good enough for some ladies (emphasis lol!!) since they wouldn’t go out on a date with me.

NEWSFLASH: ‘I HAVEN’T STOPPED FAILING’.

Michael Jordan made this statement in an interview ‘I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed’.

The effects of failure are as follows:

• Worry and anxiety
• Depression.
• Low self esteem and confidence
• Constant negative thoughts (Pessimism)
• Procrastination
• Broken relationships
• Self Defeat
• Self Denial
• Communication breakdown.
• The fear of people making judgments.

The aim of this post is to suggest a few tips that could be useful in dealing with failure.

In no particular order, they are:

Examine your life

In examining your lifestyle, there is a need to look at how you arrived at where you are currently, the experiences you’ve had in the past/present, your goals, aspirations, ambitions and most of all the difficulties encountered in the journey of life. You also need to understand the importance being realistic with your expectations, making a conscious decision not to create unnecessary pressure through several activities you are involved in and finally, dealing with the challenges of failure that come your way.

Work on your attitude

“Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference” – Winston Churchill

Your attitude contributes to the level of success attained. It also makes a difference or improves the way you work, manage your time, communicate, build relationships and deal with the issues of life. Your attitude determines how you respond to failure, whether you rise or fall, what experience can be gained from living a life filled with purpose. A positive attitude enhances optimism, helps you manage your failures, worries and it conditions your thoughts.

The benefits of a positive attitude are as follows:

• It increases your chances of success.
• It inspires and motivates you.
• It helps you manage your failures with a view to accomplishing your goals.
• It allows you communicate effectively.

Condition your thoughts

At times we are unable to scale through life’s challenges because of the negative thoughts which overwhelm us. If you approach failure with pessimism, there is a possibility of making wrong judgments and bad decisions.

In order to condition your thoughts you need to:

• Accept it’s normal to feel hurt/upset
• Think constructively and be optimistic

Express your frustrations

It is very important to establish positive relationships with people. Sharing your experiences of failure with trusted friends or family provides some form of relief. Remember, there are several ways to resolve different issues and learning from the experiences of others could reduce stress levels and bring about happiness.

Understand the need for patience

The highway to success has failure at the checkpoints or traffic lights. It is important to exercise patience, assess the situation and start again. This prevents frustrations, burnouts, negative self talk or image…. If failing is viewed as a lesson of life you need to understand why it happened, learn from your past mistakes, take it one step at a time being careful to spot or grasp new ways of doing things.

Don’t be too hard on yourself

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Everybody fails at one point or the other; besides you won’t be the first and certainly not the last.

You might find these suggestions useful:

• Be happy.
• Indulge in life’s simple pleasures.
• Focus on your strengths and improve on your weaknesses.
• Give your self esteem a boost knowing if you have failed in one aspect of your life, you are excellent in other endeavors.

Regain control

There are a few instances when you notice you don’t have any control of the situation at hand. You lose your mind, sleep and becomes anxious for everything. Things just spiral out of control because you’ve failed. It is important to note your level of frustration reduces the moment you figure out a way to gain control by being realistic, thoughtful, optimistic…..

Look at your options

Learn to investigate or think deeply about the possible ways of dealing with failure. The more options you have, the higher your chances of succeeding.

Be strong and confident

Learning to handle failure in a matured manner equips you with the appropriate mindset to seeing things move in a positive direction. Being strong requires determination, decisiveness and the will power to keep your focus on the results you intend to achieve.

Do it again

When hope has reached its lowest depths and it appears your world is crumbling before your eyes, DO IT AGAIN. Draw strength from within believing you can and will succeed. Don’t lose your enthusiasm neither should you stop trying.

Your goals may be farfetched and out of reach but remember, there’s always a time for everything. Stay focused, work hard, be positive and DO IT AGAIN.

People become successful by doing things over and over again with different approaches, new insights, strong drives, new skills etc.

Rest

Form the habit of relaxing in order to reduce your levels of anxiety and worrying. Your mind could wander into past events of failure, causing sleepless nights, poor diets, frequent headaches, etc. In order to gain control of your emotions and combat the feeling of being a failure, resting can’t be overlooked.

Take time out to sleep properly, laze around, listen to music or have some form of leisure activity.

If you are like me and has failed again, the challenge is to change your perception to failure and learn to deal with it in stages.

I look forward to your comments and suggestions.

Pause for a minute …….

Look at the picture carefully.

The Free Dictionary Online defines rubbish as something negative, worthless or useless. It is of no benefit at all.

This brings me to the question for the day; Are your thoughts really rubbish?

The concept of this post focuses on the effects of negative thoughts/thinking and suggests useful ways of dealing with it.

The BBC website published a report ‘Negative Thoughts ‘Make You ill’. This was based on a research carried out by Dr Richard Davidson who discovered that people with a high level of brain activity with regards to negative thoughts responded worse to a flu vaccine and as a result concluded that people having negative thoughts could be prone to more illness than those with positive thoughts.

What Is Negative Thinking:

These are thoughts held which are negative views towards self, the world and the future. It portrays the notion that there is no way or hope of things ever changing positively or constructively. Instead of seeing problems as normal and tolerable or difficulties being resolved, people with habits of negative thinking, often overreact and blow things out of proportion.

My definition in context is:

Negative Thoughts constitute an ongoing rubbish constantly dumped in your mind creating  wrong perceptions, ideas, difficulties……..

Paying so much attention to these thoughts creates the opportunity for them to grow stronger enforcing a serious stigma on your outlook.

These thoughts are centered on:

You

• No one likes you, You feel lonely, worthless and not loved
• You are a failure(One of frank spencers classics)
• You can’t seem to keep a stable relationship because you always feel threatened.
• You are always rejected.
• You don‘t have any talent.
• You’ve got no patience whatsoever.
• You have no discpline or will power….
• You’re not too sure success is meant for you considering your………….

Your current experiences:

• You will never be able to please your boss.
• You’ve never been the kind of person who could….
• You just don‘t have the power to change
• You won’t even try changing.
• It‘s too late to move on
• You dont fit into several discussions.
• You are not educated to the level of…..

The Future:

• Your future is hopeless
• You can never cope.
• Life is misery and then you die.
• Life is unfair.
• People don’t care anymore.
• They’re out for whatever they can get.
• You have nothing to look forward to. 
• Things will never get better

There are more examples but this post will be limited to the ones above. Please feel free to suggest more.

John Maxwell states: Once your minds are ‘tattooed’ with negative thinking, your chances for long-term success diminish.

Once again, the aim of this post is to analyse your rubbish thoughts and suggest a few ways of dealing with them in order to achieve a positive outlook in life.

In no particular order, here are 35 ways to deal with your negative thoughts:

• It’s important you become aware of your negative thoughts, recognise them, identify the symptoms associated with it such as being moody, aggressive,…….
• Understand the unpleasant effects of keeping negative thoughts circling round your mind such as depression, loneliness, anger, low self esteem……..
• Make a conscious decision to start dealing with those thoughts either by resolving some of them, approaching various issues, asking questions or simply disregarding them.
• Try challenging some of your negative thoughts and beliefs in order to take a balanced position on issues.
• Start living in the present, not dwelling too much on the negative past experiences you’ve had or allowing it place a stronghold on you. It’s a difficult thing to do and although your past experiences have a way of conditioning who you are right now, it’s essential you are in control of your thought life.
• Be comfortable with who you are, your race, gender, height, weight, stature………..
• It’s important you are realistic about your goals, objectives and expectations.
• Remember to be moderately optimistic in your views/approach to life.
• Get proactive and stop seeing yourself as a VICTIM of circumstance.
• Learn to face your fears in a no holds barred situation.
• Be comfortable with failing, knowing it’s not the end of the road, but rather an opportunity to prove yourself and become successful.
• Smile and laugh a lot. Always remember the benefits of laughter.
• Practice a bit of positive affirmation. Talk to yourself, gain control of your thoughts, get some structure and order in your thoughts and for heaven’s sake get a grip!!!!
• Learn to try out new things. Take a deep dive in the world of the unknown mixed with possibilities and take risks making use of sound judgement and common sense.
• Have an effective alternative view or perspective to the things of life.
• Get involved in a hobby.
• Use your initiatives and start doing things for yourself with the hope you’d find joy and fulfilment doing so.
• This is slightly difficult, but don’t accept negative comments and criticisms when you know they aren’t deserved
• Don’t be too critical of yourself. Focus on your strengths and take time to work on your weakness and not drown in them.
• Keep working on all your destructive thinking patterns; leaving no stone unturned, with a view to resolving them.
• Always look at the good that could come out of events, people and experiences.
• Be grateful and thankful for the things you have in your life.
• Go on sing that song that’s ringing in your head. You know you want to lol!!! Take delight in singing.
• When doing tasks, break them into small or manageable units and take it one step at a time, starting with easier tasks then moving on to more difficult ones. This will build your self confidence and put you in the right frame of mind.
• Celebrate your success, achievements and milestones.
• Read inspirational books or listen to motivational speeches, talks, sermons or messages. This has a way of getting fed into your subconscious prompting a positive outlook to life and positive thinking.
• Get some food to eat. Go out for dinner, cook something delicious, get a Chinese take away or Indian curry. Eatttttt!!!!! but make sure you don’t overdo it………. Don’t be too greedy or stuff yourself because you are depressed. Just enjoy the smell of the spices, its taste, the way it was prepared, and the way it was presented………..
• Rest Well
• Take time to think about your goals.
• Write down your thoughts and review them as the day draws to a close.
• Take time out to meditate, pray…. This is a useful tool in overcoming negative thoughts.
• Interact with people who are supportive, fun to be with, challenging, positive, and constructive in their way of thinking…………………………….
• Show confidence when you walk. This boosts your frame of mind for the day.
• Listen, talk and communicate effectively.
• Seek professional counsel or services when necessary.

Once again are your thoughts full of rubbish?

I look forward to your comments and suggestions.