I am a miserable failure

I am a miserable failure

This post is targeted at people who are currently experiencing various degrees of failure and have summarized their life in a sentence I am a miserable failure. Am I qualified to talk about failure? Have I experienced failure? Did I lose my sleep, confidence, friends, money…. because I failed? The answer to these questions is YES!!! and if there was a grade for failure I would be having the highest one.

Different people may have different perspectives regarding success and failure, but the emotions associated with failing are universally the same. What differs may be how a person responds to failure and the effect/s of failure in the life of a person.

How did you get to the point of being a miserable failure?

• You lost a job or promotion you felt you deserved.
• You feel you have failed in your responsibilities as a parent for not raising your children or being there for them.
• Your business has been crippled by the recession and the pile of debt is increasing daily.
• You haven’t excelled in your academics.
• You are currently going through a divorce.

Or from my experience:

• The first semester (year1) at the university I had 7 referrals out of 9 courses for that period.
• I partnered in a small business, but the rest is history.
• I felt like a failure because I didn’t meet up to people’s expectations: stayed in a shared flat, no car, no money or exclusive designer wears…..
• I couldn’t get certain jobs, was turned down in several interviews.
• I wasn’t good enough for some ladies so they couldn’t go out on a date

There are so many examples to be listed but it’s time on to move on the effects of failure and a few tips on how to deal with failure when it comes your way.

The effects of failure

• It brings pain to your heart. Few things in life can be as painful as failing at something that your heart was truly set on. You feel very insignificant with little or no values.
• It reduces your level of self confidence, lowers your enthusiasm and destroys your motivation.
• Failure can’t always be avoided. You can work your hardest for the best results possible and still fail.
• We fear failure because of what people might say about us, our trying and failing

My aim isn’t to give you false hopes or create an impression that it’s easy to overcome failure, but offer a few suggestions that would drive you to take action in failure.

Condition your thoughts

Oftentimes, we are unable to scale through life’s smallest challenges because of the negative thoughts that drown us.� If you approach failure with a lot of pessimism, there is a greater possibility of making wrong decisions and arriving at erroneous judgements. Try as much as possible to get rid of negative thoughts. I know it’s not easy but a good way to go about will be;

Accept it’s normal to feel hurt/upset: Failing is part of the human cycle and when you recognize the need to embrace your feelings and allow time heal the pain/hurt you will bounce back in no time.

Some true statements: It is normal to fail. It is normal to get hurt, feel disappointed. But on a brighter note it’s fulfilling being on top of your game.

Be Optimistic: Dwell on the brighter side of life and be optimistic knowing your repeat performance will bring about success. Although the effects of failure bring about setbacks, negative thoughts which constantly hound you causing misery, lack of sleep etc, surround yourself with a bit of optimism, this will build your level of self confidence.

Arm yourself with optimism that should develop your level of self-confidence.

Understand the need for patience

Becoming successful doesn’t always happen overnight or suddenly. There is a process involved; it comprises of hard work, diligence, planning, research, doing, FAILING…. It is important to exercise patience in all your activities to prevent frustrations, burnouts…

In relation to failure, patience is needed because time is needed to recuperate, heal, plan, strategize and come back with a BIG BANG!!! Failing at something is a lesson of life. You need to understand why it happened and in the midst of patience, learn from your past mistakes. Take one step at a time, being very careful to understand or grasp the totality of why you have failed. Patience is one virtue that can’t be ignored in dealing with failure.

Don’t be hard on yourself

There would be doubts created in your mind on your ability to succeed but never allow yourself be limited by your past failures. Don’t be hard on yourself. Everybody fails at one point or the other. You won’t be the first and certainly not the last, it’s up to you to take the bull by the horns, believe in yourself and deal with it.

You can use failure to fail forever or you can use it to make you a better person. Being hard on yourself potrays a self inflicted punishment and you don’t want to go down that route.

A few suggestions to help you are:

• Live life to the fullest.
• Indulge in life’s simple pleasures.
• Immerse yourself in activities that you enjoy and love doing.
• Focus on doing things you are good at.
• Give your self esteem a boost knowing if you have failed in one aspect of your life, you are excellent in other endeavors.

Connect with the right people

I’ve always place a huge emphasis on the need for establishing positive networks with people who would build, motivate, support and encourage you through various phases of life. Surround yourself with people who love and care for you. Your family or friends could provide the necessary support system you require to get out of the moods that accompanies failure.

Connecting with the right people could also create pathways for success, serve as mentors, impart knowledge be with you through thick and thin.

Get enough strength, support, motivation from those who have your best interests at heart. Call a friend, pour out your fears, worries, thoughts on taking the next step, someone who would put things in perspective, give you a hand and see you through this cycle.

What is your focus?

Do not focus on your failures. If the thoughts of failing linger on your mind, your actions, strategies, plans, geared towards being successful would be hampered because your level of confidence, motivation is reduced. Remember your normal reaction is to feel miserable BUT this shouldn’t stop you from taking future risks.

Focus on your strengths; not limitations for now. Winners capitalize on their strengths to achieve their goals. You are not perfect but can work hard to develop your potentials. You have the ability to improve and be a better or successful person.

Do it again

Yes!!! Keep doing it over and over again. Don’t stop trying, making efforts or lose your enthusiasm. When all hope is almost gone and it appears the world is against you, don’t give up. Draw strength from deep within you believing you can, believing that you will.

There will be times when goals seem far fetched and out of reach, in such periods remember there is a time for everything.

Do not treat your inability to reach your goals at this time as a form of failure; focus, keep moving, working hard and stay positive.

Don’t give in to procrastination or discouragement. People become successful by doing things over and over again with different approaches, new insights, strong drives, new skills etc.

My challenge is for you to change your perception to failure and learn to deal with it in stages.

I look forward to your comments and suggestions are welcome.

Ayo Olaniyan is a certified Unitive Life Coach. He is also an Accredited Professional Counsellor with the Counselling Society. If you would like to enquire about personal and professional one-to-one coaching sessions, or to invite me for a speaking engagement, please complete this form.

Tagged as: academics, confidence, different perspectives, divorce, emotions, excelled, heart, job, jobs, miserable failure, money, recession, referrals, rest is history, sleep, small business, success and failure, year1