Please Note: This post wasn’t published to generate controversies or appear one-sided. It’s dedicated to all the men struggling to find a voice as they go through so much emotional hurt, frustrations, anxiety etc. after a broken relationship, divorce, job loss, bankruptcy……
Women face similar challenges and some argue a lot more and I promise it would also be addressed on this blog.
It’s a common practice for men to hide their feelings because we are ‘macho’; but after listening to James O’Brien’s Show today(LBC 97.3), prompted by an article in the papers: ‘Divorced men given shelter in pioneering Swiss project’(Daily Mail), I felt it was important to address the issue ‘Men Have Feelings Too.’
Although there are men who are just vulgar and possibly brutal in their actions/behaviour, it’s important to note: not all men are cheats, wife-beaters, irresponsible, liars, stereotypes etc.
The focus today is on men who are fighting to save their homes, marriage, children, jobs, minds…….
As a man I hid my feelings and worries that engulfed me, because the general rule is, expressing how we feel or betraying our emotions CONSTRUCTIVELY, isn’t a sign of masculinity.
Some home truths about men:
- We get hurt and sometimes upset
- Get Abused or Victimised.
- We have a heart
- Get Ridiculed
- Have our children taken away.
- Have our wives, girlfriends or partners walk out of our lives.
- Face job losses
- At times are sexually inactive
- Run up debts and sometimes file for bankruptcy.
- Lose sleep.
- Men fall ill too!!!
- Above all ‘Have Feelings Too.’
Am I suggesting that people don’t realise this? Yes!!! because it’s often overlooked.
Although men take an awful lot of bashing(some are justified), if you were to list the qualities or roles of men objectively you would discover they are:
- Strong-willed.
- Fighters
- Responsible fathers.
- Risk Takers.
- Providers.
- Loving husbands, partners, boyfriends…
- Good Bosses or work colleagues.
- Great comforters.
- Have physical, mental, emotional and spiritual strength.
How Can Men Deal With The Struggles Of Life?
Based on my experience and studies, here are a few suggestions:
- Accept you have feelings and sometimes they may take you down a rocky road. The strength of man is evident in handling emotional conflicts.
- Swallow your pride. We all experience disappointments, failures in various phases of our lives. There’s absolutely no point hiding or running away from them. Don’t be so macho to a point of hopelessness.
- Be honest with everyone around you. It’s also important you are honest with yourself because there’s nothing to be gained from self denial. It’s not bravery hiding from reality guys.
- Accept and stand up to the responsibilities that come with the struggles of life. It’s no longer cool to shirk responsibilities, become a player, procrastinate…
- Think carefully and constructively. This ensures you don’t make hasty decisions which could create future difficulties. Occasionally put logic in the corner of your mind(I know it’s difficult) and think with your heart.
- Don’t be too hard on yourself. Guys don’t beat yourselves up because you’ve failed, relationships have gone sour, lost money……. You are simply inflicting punishments which have no rewards.
- Surround yourself with friends and family. You really need them during this period. Stop thinking your friends won’t help out or you’ve lost all self respect because you shared your experience.
- Avoid getting drunk or taking drugs with a view to forgetting or avoiding the difficulties. You might experience temporary relief but you are endangering your life and opening doors to further depression, frustrations.
- If you’ve never prayed before, now is the time to give it a try. It does no harm at all.
- Don’t engage in any form of self harm please. Well done to Greg (a caller to the show). I salute your courage, determination and honesty.
- Allow time heal the wounds and scars from the past.
- Exercise a bit of patience. Control the adrenalin pumping through your body.
- If things get out of hand and you can’t cope, speak to a professional therapist or counsellor.
- Get up and do something about the situation. That’s why you are a MAN. You fight, face challenges and stays strong.
To any lady/woman reading this please celebrate or appreciate the men in your life. It could be your friend, colleague, brother, partner, boyfriend father, husband………and remember they have feelings too.
To all the men going through the struggles of life and fighting to stay on top, I SALUTE YOU.
I look forward to your comments and suggestions.
Thanks
N.B. Please share this article everywhere(twitter, facebook, emails…). Let’s all encourage the men out there doing a good work.
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Really well said Ayo. It often amazes me what men have to put up with. We have come a long way with feminism which is good but I do think sometimes it swings too much the other way sometimes. We’re all human. Its about treating each other with respect regardless of gender (etc).
hi jen,
how are you? and thanks for stopping by.
you hit the nail on the head with the statement ‘Its about treating each other with respect regardless of gender (etc)’. how was your trip to london?
have a lovely weekend.
Hey Ayo,
Hope you’re well too.
had a wonderful time thanks!
jen
Good encouragement Ayo! Let all men come to that realisation first, that they r human and have feelings….and may sometimes not have things underneath their control! We’ve been waiting to hear this! thanks.
hi biola,
how are you? thanks for stopping by and welcome to the blog. i am glad you found something useful in this post.
take care of yourself and enjoy the rest of the day.
Hi Ayo. I would add, find a group or a person who will listen to you and support you. Independence is related to suppression of feeling I think!
hello evan,
how are you?
thanks for this months article for the magazine. i am still waiting for your guest post. you are quite right with regards to find support groups. i dont think we can exist in isolation, suppressing how we feel.
take care and have a lovely weekend.
Thanks for talking about it. Men are always expected to be strong and invulnerable, but that is not always the case. Having a good friend you can trust and talk to is essential.
hi lanre,
how are you?
men need to talk or ‘discuss’ all that goes on within. it’s not just football, business… it’s also about emotional battles.
take care and have a lovely weekend.
hi ayo
great post. men have feelings and it must be respected.
shout out to men working hard daily to take care of themselves, family, children
hello emmanuel,
how are you?
i’m just going to repeat what you said lol!!!!
SHOUT OUT TO THE MEN WORKING HARD DAILY TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES, FAMILY, CHILDREN…………………………..
Take care and have a lovely weekend.
Ayo: Great post. I am sure all the men in the world are glad to have their perspectives and struggles expressed and explained. It is interesting to kind of get a glimpse into the mind and the thoughts of men. Thanks for the advice to really show the men in our lives our appreciation and understanding. I think that is a great recommendation and I will definitely make use of it. Great post.
Sibyl – alternaview´s last [type] ..One Quick Way to Instantly Improve Your Day
hello sibyl,
how are you?
i am glad you liked the post and it’s also great to know you’ve caught a glimpse of our thoughts lol!!!
take care of yourself and do have a lovely week
Yeah…now I know exactly what you guys are thinking
Thanks for the insiders look.
Sibyl – alternaview´s last [type] ..The Most Important Questions You Should Have The Answers To
Hi Ayo
As a Public Speaker I can’t say that I am one of the “men struggling to find a voice” but I do fit into the mould you describe.
Most men, me included, have very poor emotional inteligence and some men appear very insensitive and unfeeling.
You mention that “men get ridiculed” that is so true – ninety percent of UK television advertising is about how stupid and lazy men are.
But I take it with a pinch of salt as most men do.
BTW – we appear to have one or two of the ladies with us on this one and that’s always good to see. LOL
Keith Davis´s last [type] ..Two way traffic
hello keith,
how are you?
thanks for contributing to this article.
i agree with you on how men are ridiculed in the media and people seem to forget NOT all men are like……..
with regards to us having a poor EI would you suggest it’s beacuse we’ve been told to act tough all the time?
take care and have a lovely week.
Hi Ayo,
Very nice post my friend. Many people believe that we men should hide our feelings and shouldn’t express them. However, just like you mentioned we are humans and we hearts. Sometimes, we get affected more than women. I think every human being should be able to express his or her feelings and there is nothing wrong for a man to express his emotions or even cry. Thanks for sharing
Dia´s last [type] ..Characteristics of the successful people
hello dia,
how are you?
you hit the nail on the head by suggesting we should express our feelings always and if i may add constrictively.
take care of yourself and have a lovely week.
Hi Ayo!
I definitely appreciate the man in my life. Actually, one of the things that I appreciate about him is that he doesn’t care to follow the ‘macho’ role. He is not afraid or embarassed to show his sensitive side. It’s beautiful when a guy is mature enough to freely share his emotions without concerns.
I salute all the men out there! Thanks for this beautiful post! Loving blessings!
Andrea DeBell – britetalk´s last [type] ..Two Essential Elements for Driving Peacefully
hello andrea,
how are you and welcome to the blog.
it’s great to know you’ve got a wonderful man in your life and he communicates openly.
hope you stop by again.
in the meantime take care and have a lovely day.
Hi Ayo,
I am so glad that you wrote this article. So many times, I think because of our nature as men, we tend to put the tough guy facade on even when things are falling apart. The emotions in life effect us just as much as the next person but as men we tend to do a great deal to hide them. It is what comes natural to us.
I can remember when I was unemployed. I went through so many different types of mental stages and struggled to keep my normally optimistic attitude. On the outside though when people were around I played it cool even when I knew I was falling apart. This was an awesome post that will hopefully change the lives of men everywhere!
Frank´s last [type] ..What is Your Brand
hello frank,
how are you?
thanks for contributing to the article. as men we’ve got to be bold and on top of most situation and circumstances but i strongly subscribe sharing our difficulties with people who understand us or have been through similar experiences. it can go a long way in providing the necessary support we need.
take care and enjoy the rest of the day.
Ayo,
Opps, I typed up a huge response but lost it.
This is good topic which is not talked about enough I think. Little boys are taught to suck it up and not cry or show emotions, so no wonder they grow up to be macho men who do not share or show any signs of weakness. How do we change the whole attitude of society.
Preeti @ Heart and Mind´s last [type] ..What if you had Golden Touch
awww preeti,
how are you?
i think there must be a balance in relation to how boys are raised. we must be firm, strongwilled, strong, logical… but we must also show empathy, compassion and be in a position to express how we feel constructively when necessary because we cant do it alone.
take care and enjoy the rest of the day
Yes, I have two little boys and I want them to show emotions but not everyone around me thinks it is a good idea if little boy cries so R who is 5, picks up on that already!
Preeti @ Heart and Mind´s last [type] ..Top 10 reasons why I am not on Twitter
Nice pieces of advice you have shared here Ayo. I believe that we men have our feminine side and if we only allow ourselves to express this side of ourselves then a balance within will reign.
hello walter
how are you?
thanks for contributing to the article.
as i mentioned to preeti, it is important we strike a balance between being strong, firm, logical… but it is also essential we call for help when we seriously need it. there’s no point putting a brave face believing everything will fall into place if we dont seek help, take action or voice our fears when necessary.
take care and enjoy the rest of the day
Well said, Ayo – my husband isn’t afraid to show his true thoughts and feelings, and I’m so glad he’s this way. It makes him real and I’m never left guessing what’s behind the exterior. I think all men should be encouraged to let go and just be themselves. I feel I should share with you an amazing course I did that we both found life changing. I’d been lacking in confidence and dealing with negativity around areas of my life, but the strategies that Sarah Merron of Fire Dragon Coaching teaches really helped me focus on getting the best out of myself and others around me, and the same goes for my husband. She runs courses in Cairo and the Maldives, so it’s a fantastic way to see the world at the same time. Here’s the link if you should ever head that way, I found it had a very powerful effect on my life: http://www.nlp.firedragoncoaching.com/destination-egypt.html
hello donna,
how are you?
thanks for stopping by and contributing to the topic. you summed it up. everyone(in this case men) should be themselves.
take care and enjoy the rest of the day.
Too right Ayo! I think this post is actually of more help to men. Us males are very good at hiding or suppressing our feelings in favour of a macho image but this affects our health, actions, behaviours, and relationships. Any time a man stands up and encourages other men to understand their feelings and show them should be congratulated. So I congratulate you and applaud your strength of character to publish these words. It has a real feel good factor.
John Sherry´s last [type] ..Go On Have A Go
hello john
hoow are you?
thanks for your kind words. i feel if we express ourselves constructively, we would be valued,appreciated and respected for who we are.
take care and enjoy the rest of the day
Men are just as vulnerable as women. We just hide it better. I think we just need to appreciate who we are. Where we are and move on.
Life is rumble, so of course your going to stumble. Just keep running, boy, Rumble young boy, rumble.
jonathanfigaro´s last [type] ..8 Powerful Ways to Overcome Failure
Hi Ayo, this is a very important issue to raise. In my profession, I work with a lot of women’s organizations and there is still a long way to go with raising women’s equality around the world. Having said that, I do believe that in developed countries, it can be a struggle for many men to open up. For many generations, men were (and to an extent still are) brought up to appear strong despite how they may feel inside. I think it’s important for us to treat both men and women with compassion and respect and not make assumptions about sensitivity levels based on gender. Good post.
Take care.
Hi Ayo
Thank God for CommentLuv! I felt a great sense of compassion when I read this post for all the men struggling to deal with their emotions. I really felt that recently when I was carrying our 1st child and my partner was totally ignored in the process by most health professionals we came across. It was the most important thing in his life too but his emotional needs are assumed to be non-exisent.
I could see the anxiety growing in him but wouldn’t speak to friends about it because “we don’t talk about that kind of thing.”
They do say that behind every great man is a great woman and I believe this is because the woman allows the man the space, support and compassion to grow emotionally. Emotional intelligence is the way forward and I’m sure I read somewhere the biggest determinant of success.
Great tips too.
Lola Fayemi´s last [type] ..The BEING and DOING of manifesting your dreams and desires
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Great write up my brother , this is a topic that does not get discussed too often , even more among us Continental born African men , thanks for bringing it up..
One small observation i think you have a small typo , that make a lot of difference
” Accept and stand up to the responsibilities that come with the struggles of life. It’s no longer cool to shirk responsibilities, become a player, procrastinate…”
I think “Don’t” is missing before procrastinate , changes the meaning completely
Cheers
Hello Ayo,
This is my first time here and this article hooked me. To be honest, I’ve never believed that men don’t have feelings. My problem has the been their conformity to societal expectations where men are not supposed to cry or express their emotions. It puzzles us women, or should I simply speak for myself, when I can’t decipher the emotional pulse. It’s what we women struggle with the most. So I find this article really informative and encourage and really, I intend to share with.
As with women, sometimes there are cultural expectations imposed upon men so it’s refreshing to have that emotional side aired out in this article. I will definitely pass this on to my husband, he will appreciate it very much.
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