Resolving difficulties in relationships (Love Relationship Series I).

I am not sure the human race can exist without building relationships. The bees, ants, birds, elephants in their groups or colonies value the importance of relationships.

Relationships:  

This is an association or connection existing between two or more individuals. People involved in relationships tend to influence each other positively or negatively, share their thoughts or feelings, engage in several activities together. It’s important to mention relationships could be categorized into healthy and unhealthy relationships.

There are various forms of relationships namely: parent-child relationships, intimate relationships, friendships, family relationships, marriage, long term relationships, business relationships etc

Being able to handle conflicts, resolve differences is very important in developing and maintaining great relationships. Not every difficulty experienced in a relationship will be resolved by renewing bonds that existed.� In fact some require that you stay clear, but the focus of this post is on those established because they add value to your life’s purpose.

If you truly care for and value such relationships built over time, you would do everything possible within your means to resolve the difficulties that occur.

Difficulties will always exist in relationships because: you are human, you have different values, expectations, upbringing, backgrounds…..� You need to understand the fact of individual differences when it comes to relating with one another. Overcoming difficulties in your relationships tend to form stronger bonds between each other and for positive relationships to work; you need to deal with the challenges and problems that occur in exchanging information.

Here are a few warning signals to show you might be heading for or experiencing difficulties in a relationship.

• You experience a sudden silence when it comes to relating with each other. It appears there’s a huge gap created and one member appears to be very distant.
• There is a communication breakdown and a difficulty understanding each other.
• You begin to question each others trust and loyalty.
• You sense tension and frustration each time you speak or participate in doing things together.
• You face constant arguments which are unnecessary. They creep in unnoticed creating human friction.
• You sense a feeling of dissatisfaction, unhappiness between all parties.
• You experience a sudden or slow withdrawal from engaging in activities together.
• There is a new interest in certain men, women, friends, business partners and there is hardly any importance placed on the relationship that existed over time.

What do you do when trying to resolve difficulties occurring in your relationships with people?

Assess the relationship

A lot of the times you need to take a step backwards and examine the relationships that exist around you. Relationships are meant to be positive, productive and add value to your lives. In assessing your relationships, you may want to ask yourself the following questions:

• How did you begin/form/develop the relationship?
• What was the basis or foundation of the relationship?
• Has there been any huge value, benefits acquired in the course of the relationship?
• Is there a feeling of being spent, exhausted or being taken for granted in the relationship?
• What do you stand to gain or lose severing the relationship?

There are numerous questions to be asked but I want to limit myself to these for now.

What is the problem?  

This is always very controversial because various parties tend to apportion blames to each other. One party accuses, or monitors flaws and changes in behaviour with the other concerned. In order to resolve the difficulties existing in your relationships and know what the problem is, you need to:

• Dig deep to find out what the problem is. Can you lay a finger on the problem?
• What is it exactly? Is it worth all the stress and fuss you’ve put up with?
• Can you trace when it started becoming an issue?
• Have you been affected in anyway physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, emotionally…….
• Has it gone beyond the point of reconciliation?

Who is the problem?

It takes a thought, action, suggestion or feeling in a person to create stress or strains in a relationship. All parties need to realise they are accountable to each other. I am sure I will get a stick for the next statement, but I believe all parties involved constitute the problem.
For example, there is one member causing problems by being dishonest, misbehaving, showing no concern for people, while the other member gets upset(which is perfectly natural), frustrated, patronized� e.tc. without doing anything about it. If you don’t find out reasons for the new behaviour, express your thoughts or opinions and sometimes severe certain relationships if it proves harmful in anyway, that also constitutes a problem.

Where is the problem?

 

This is similar to what is the problem. It goes a step further trying to identify how the problem manifests. Relationship difficulties and human friction could stem from poor communication, an attitude issue, a low-level of understanding etc. You suddenly realize the problem is evident and gets you aggravated when displayed in a cocky attitude, loud voice, non risky attitude etc.

Confront the problem giving rise to the difficulties

Okay so you have assessed your relationships, you know what, who and where the problem lies, your next phase will be to confront the problem. You can do so by voicing your concerns, opinions, discussing it amicably, gaining control of your emotions, severing some relationships where necessary….. The bottom line is to confront the problem and in doing so, use a bit of common sense, do so respectfully, watch your language and always target a resolution.

THE MAIN PURPOSE OF CONFRONTING THE PROBLEM IS TO FIND A RESOLUTION TO THE DIFFICULTIES EXISTING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.

 

Learn to listen to and understand each other

Listening is accompanied by understanding how each of you feels. It doesn’t involve putting blames, being nasty or hot headed, but rather exercising patience to listen to every detail. There is a possibility one of you may have things mixed up and this has clouded your judgements.

Communication is all about understanding each other. It may have been a slight misunderstanding that created the difficulties you are currently experiencing your relationships.

Finally:

Get to the point of reconciliation

Reconciliation means, coming to together to reach a compromise in order to resolve issues or difficulties that may exist with anyone. It is very difficult to come to a place of peace, understanding and tranquillity when it comes to resolving difficulties in relationships.

Maturity is displayed when you come together to resolve your differences even if it means you going separate ways, enforcing discipline or minimizing your levels of contact. The essence of resolving difficulties in a relationship is to bring about a change for the better.

You may be hurt, confused, unsure of your existing relationships with people, it may be worth while sitting down to think about it.

I look forward to your comments and suggestions on how to resolve difficulties experienced in relationships

Ayo Olaniyan is a certified Unitive Life Coach, an Accredited Professional Counsellor with the Counselling Society and the editor of The Life Skills Magazine. For further information, please complete this form.

Tagged as: ants, bees, birds, bonds, building relationships, business relationships, colonies, conflicts, elephants, family relationships, feelings, healthy and unhealthy relationships, individual differences, intimate relationships, long term relationships, parent child relationships, relationships friendships, signals, sudden silence, upbringing