This post is dedicated to people currently struggling with the thoughts of forgiving people who have hurt them physically, mentally or emotionally.
I am going to approach this subject rather cautiously because people’s feelings, experiences and possibly judgements are involved.
What Is Forgiveness
Forgiveness is the ability to release the mind and heart from all past hurts, failures, guilt, shame, humiliation and loss. It enables you overcome anger, resentment or a desire to punish or get even with someone who has harmed you.
It is the result of a process that involves a change in emotion and attitude regarding an offender. Most scholars view this as an intentional and voluntary process, driven by a deliberate decision to forgive. This process results in decreased motivation to retaliate or maintain estrangement from an offender despite their actions, and requires letting go of negative emotions toward the offender.
It is central to healthy human development and may be one of the most important processes in the restoration of interpersonal relationships after conflict (Hill 2001)
In all honesty, forgiving could be difficult particularly when the people who wronged us don’t deserve our forgiveness.
At times, it could be a difficult or traumatic experience because people tend to hurt us in several ways and I dare say the act of forgiveness isn’t necessarily always an easy option.
There are certain events which stir up bitterness, anger, hatred…. … this in turn creates an emotional conflict and the thoughts of forgiving isn’t usually on the agenda.
In my case:
- Being betrayed and having my love for someone smashed to pieces right before my very eyes.
- Backstabbed and slandered by a ‘close friend’ in 1996 (lol!!! I remember the date)
- Patronized, heckled and ridiculed for making certain decisions.
- Bearing grudges with my eldest sisters’ ex boyfriend who split up with her 4 days after my dad died. (On the plus side: she’s happily married with a kid and as for him…….. hmmh!!!.)
- Swindled by close friends.
The list is endless but these are the ones that come to mind immediately.
For you it may be:
- Experiencing an abusive, troubled or rocky relationship.
- Your secrets get exposed.
- People you loved and cherished walk out on you
- Losing your children through a divorce.
- People set out to intentionally hurt you physically, mentally, emotionally…….
There are so many more examples I can come up with because each person/event is unique; but the big question is WHAT DO YOU DO when you are struggling to forgive someone who really hurt you.
My answer:
I DONT KNOW
Why??
IT’S A PERSONAL ISSUE.
However, the aim of this post is to highlight the benefits of forgiveness and suggest a few steps to forgiveness leaving you to make an informed decision at the right time.
In no particular order, the benefits of forgiveness are as follows:
It improves your physiological health and aids emotional healing through the concept of reconciliation.
Forgiving someone helps in maintaining a stable blood pressure and is of immense cardiovascular benefits. (Dr Everett L. Worthington)
It improves your mental well being by reducing the levels or chances of depression as a result of better support and interaction from friends and family.
It strengthens your spirituality, develops your social interaction and enables you manage conflict considerably.
It allows you gain control of your emotions with a view to reducing blame, anger and hostility linked to the issue causing offence.
It decreases your levels of stress and increases your level of optimism
It promotes hope and increases the frequency of joyful experiences.
It also influences your attitude which exposes your heart to kindness, beauty, warmth and love.
It gives you some peace and comfort when you totally surrender the grudge and hurt by forgiving
Forgiveness gives you control over your emotions thereby giving you the ability to make sound/good judgements
It gives you the ability to take responsibility for your feelings.
It acknowledges and accepts that the past can’t be changed at all and this is a step to the healing process.
Steps To Forgiveness
In his research Dr. Frederic Luskin (the author of Forgive For Good) proposes 9 steps to forgiveness which I found quite useful because I could relate to it.
Below is summary of steps to forgiveness (Dr Luskins steps included)
Know How You Feel
It’s important to know and understand how you feel about what happened and also be able to express it clearly to people who are there to support you.
Be Committed To Feeling Better
It’s difficult but you must make a firm decision and do everything possible within your ability to feel better. Always remember (in context) forgiveness is for you and no one else.
Find Peace
Seek to be at peace internally because that puts you in the right frame of mind. Forgiveness doesn’t mean tolerating wrong doings or necessarily reconciling with those who hurt you; it just creates peace and understanding from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally and changing the hurtful story responsible for the grief.
Know Your Distress
You need to understand and recognise that at times your distress currently experienced could be as a result of hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upsets rather than who or what offended/hurt you recently.
Relax
Try relaxing and being calm through the use of several stress management techniques such as deep breathing, journaling, laughing, exercising…. .. This helps alleviate your body’s flight or fight response.
Be Realistic
Be optimistic and realistic with the affairs and people that govern your life. Try as much as possible to keep your emotions in check
Channel Your Efforts Constructively
Put your efforts into methods or processes that would help you achieve new goals set to conquer the hurt and pain you are currently experiencing. Do things that would give you so much joy and happiness.
Live Your Life.
Yes, LIVE YOUR LIFE and LIVE IT WELL!!! Make good use of all the good opportunities that come your way. Spend time with your friends, family, children…. Live life to its fullest rather than focus on your wounded feelings.
Change Your Story
Let the hurtful event or experience have a promising end which is your choice to forgive.
Face Your Fears
Face your fears by taking risks, building positive relationships, discussing or sharing the pain experienced with friends, family…..
Be Happy
Happiness is important because it improves your mood, alleviates the hurt experienced and builds your optimism. Do things to promote your happiness such as:
- Make new friends or meet new people.
- Counting your blessings.
- Positive interaction with children, friends, families, colleagues……..
- Showing genuine acts of kindness to different people.
Think Of The Future
Let your thoughts of the future be inspiring, memorable, motivating and encouraging.
It’s important to note:
- Forgiveness isn’t condoning unruly behaviour or unkindness.
- It’s not denying or minimizing the hurt
- It’s not forgetting the painful event.
- It’s not making you dead to your feelings or reconciling with the offender
Finally,
Would all these steps or benefits help me forgive someone who has hurt me deeply????
My response: I don’t know because it’s so personal; but it’s definitely worth trying.
I look forward to your comments and suggestions.
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Ayo, man, is this ever a timeless lesson! Really sorry for some of the things you and your family have gone through. Yes, everyone goes through baggage, and everyone experiences bridges burning. But for you, those were deeply personal.
In 2005, I was fired from a church I was on staff with as a youth minister. There were several events that had transpired before I got there and once I did, a split in the church began to happen. My wife was 7 months pregnant with our first child and we were stranded in a strange new city after only 8 weeks into our new job. We had no backup plan.
Man, it crushed me. I let it define me for a long time. I still don’t like to relive it. But I learned some powerful lessons about forgiveness and I don’t regret that one bit. A year later, we were back on our feet and I was a leader in a new job. And one day, I began to feel like I needed to make closure with my unforgiveness. I wrote a letter to the pastor who had fired me and forgave him, whether he asked for it or not. It was a powerful liberation, bro.
I hope your readers will find some answers here! Thanks for sharing!
Bryan Thompson´s last [type] ..The Secret to Getting Any Information You Want Except CIA Info
Incredible story Bryan…
Jk Allen´s last [type] ..Stepping Forward Towards Progress
hello bryan
how are you and welcome to the blog.
i totally agree we all have our baggages in our daily lives and believe me what i’ve experienced cant be compared to the pain and hurt other families have experienced; hence the reason for caution.
but your story my god!!!!
it sounds like you were caught in a crossfire but you did a brave and honourable thing.
it’s great to know things took a turn for the better and you feel liberated forgiving him.
hope to see you again.
take care of yourself and enjoy the rest of the day
hello ayo
i was moved to comment on this article.
i am struggling to forgive and forget someone who has hurt me but it is not easy.
i would give it a try after reading this thanks
hello alex
how are you?
i’m glad this article caused you to leave a comment on the blog.
it’s great you want to give it a try and all i would say is:
you are the only one who knows exactly how you feel
take your time and dont rush anything
be convinced and feel good about taking that step.
allow healing take it’s course because the most important person in the whole picture is YOU.
take care of yourself and enjoy the rest of the day.
ayo, whats going on bro?
these is deep man and it affects me greatly.
thanks for talking about it although people may not agree 100percent i think its helpful.
much respecct!!
hello emmanuel
i am fine and thank you and how are you?
i know it’s an emotive subject and people may have divided opinions based on their experiences hence the reason for caution
take care of yourself and enjoy the rest of the day
Thanks Ayo for this moving article, it seems as if the more i forgive people the more i keep getting hurt,i would keep trying though, hard as it may seem.Tk kia.
hello o.o
how are you?
it’s a tough call here because you keep getting hurt but i am humbled by your determination to keep trying.
take care and enjoy the rest of the day.
Mr. Ayo – How are you sir? What a great message behind this blog post. Forgiveness is one powerful gift that sets one free. In the past I always thought that the person being set free is the person who is being forgiven…also I’ve come to learn that the one who forgives receives an immediate lifting of burden from their heart and mind. Very-very good post Ayo – thank you!
Jk Allen´s last [type] ..Stepping Forward Towards Progress
hello jk
i am fine thank you and how are you?
i am glad you liked the post and totally agrees forgiveness sets the offended one free and uplifts their mood/spirits
take care and enjoy the rest of the day
Ayo I enjoyed reading your post and comments especially @ Bryan.
It is not easy to forgive yet we have to. I am still working at getting better at it, not holding on too long before I do.
What helps me to forgive quickly is knowing that my prayers wont be answered by God inasmuch I hold on to un-forgiveness. It is a continuos walk but God gives us the grace.
Have a blessed week.
Buky of Bukville´s last [type] ..The Past – Dealing With The Past
hello buky
how are you and welcome to the blog.
forgiveness is a continous process and we’ve got keep working hard at it if it’s the choice we’ve consciously made.
putting the scriptures in context; citing the lords prayer, it states ‘and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who tresspass against us…….’
hope to see you again
take care of yourself and enjoy the rest of the day
Hello Ayo,
I hope you are well. This is a fantastic article. Forgiveness is a tricky one, as you say it is not about condoning actions which we feel have wronged us, just accepting that they have happened and moving forwards.
I used to bear huge grudges against some girls who bullied me at school, yet I saw one of them years later and she didn’t even remember certain incidents. That made me realise that the old saying about it only hurting you is so true – I was all bitter inside and she was carrying on completely unaware.
So I think we need to forgive for our own sake, for our happiness and to move us forwards.
hello kate
how are you?
i find your experience fascinating and it just reflects how bitterness can clutter our emotions/feelings without us realising.
i agree with the statement of forgiving for our own sake and happiness but we need to make that decision and embrace the approach.
take care of yourself and enjoy the rest of the day.
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Hi Ayo,
Very nice post on forgiveness. We all go through experiences where we have to forgive someone and have someone forgive us. When it comes to forgiving others, we have got to do it for ourselves. Otherwise, we would stay angry, upset, irate and all that will harm our mental and physical health. Therefore, it is crucial that we learn that people do make mistakes and forgive them, so we rescue ourselves from the pain and suffering. Thanks for sharing my friend
Dia´s last [type] ..You are responsible for your happiness
hello dia
how are you?
you’ve highlighted an important aspect of the discussion which is we also offend or upset people too.
i guess the general consensus is us cooming to a point where we make that decision to forgive.
take care of yourself and enjoy the rest of the day
OMgosh! I cannot believe you wrote this post! Have you been reading my journal? Hmmmm…..
You know how challenging last year was for me and then Dekker’s death in December. January came in and I fell apart. Sobbing uncontrollably.
During one of the watershed moments, I realized I was harboring a LOT of anger at a whole bunch of people. The man who released the toxic chemicals into my apartment; the office people who cut corners; the woman who didn’t take care of Dekker properly, thus, his getting bit; losing my all my possession; having RADs as a result of the chemcials; wearing a mask…well, you get the picture. It just went on and on and on. Yikes!
I was even mad at myself for leaving Dekker behind when I went to my daughter’s wedding.
I finally started the forgiveness process. I usually say, “By my own free voilition, I choose to forgive so and so.” I am feeling better but I think sometimes forgiveness can be a process.
So I am still working on forgiving myself and everyone once in a while now I have to choose to forgive one of the above again.
However, I am shedding fewer tears now and am much calmer. I also have a peace within me because I know I am doing the right thing and taking the higher road.
Wow. Thanks for this post Ayo.
And thanks for being you!
Dominique´s last [type] ..OI-POTS remedy and progress
hello dominique
how are you?
no i havent been reading your journal lol!!
did you get my email?
it’s been a challenging period but you know you are always determined to continue forward and that what i admire about you.
i am glad you are experiencing peace within
take care and enjoy the rest of the day
Hi Ayo,
This is a really touching post. Forgiveness is a hard one. I think one very important component to forgiveness is acceptance. Acceptance that the past cannot be changed. Accept that the betrayal happened and it can never be removed. Accept that something bad happened to us when we were not deserving. Then it becomes easier to move on. Thanks for this fantastic post Ayo!
Dandy´s last [type] ..Live out of your imagination- not your history!
hello dandy
how are you?
you are quite right. it’s a tough one but although we struggle with the events and things which hurt us, we’ve got to learn to accept them with time and then moving on becomes slightly easier.
take care of yourself and enjoy the rest of the day
Very profound Ayo, I’ve done a lot of forgiving recently, mostly on myself but it’s done nothing but lightened my life. I feel so much better now that those burdens have been let go. It’s given me that closure that I need and the power to say goodbye to people that were no good for me (just as I was no good for them).
Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice´s last [type] ..Living Consciously – A Path For Warriors- Not Wussies
hello amit
how are you?
it’s great to know you felt much better once you chose to forgive.
i quite like the statement (saying goodbye to people that were no good for me (just as I was no good for them).
hows far with your training for the marathon
take care of yourself and enjoy the rest of the day
Ayo,
This is great piece of advise to start off in January! I have a friend who always says “I forgive but never forget”, and I tell him you can not forgive without forgetting or letting go of the event.
I admit, I have been hurt just like other good people and forgiving comes sometimes with time. It is interesting that we get hurt by people who are closest to us, if outsiders says something it does not hurt us as bad.
Preeti
Zengirl @ Heart and Mind´s last [type] ..Car-Free or Car Owner – Finding A Happy Middle Ground
hello preeti
how are you?
i totally agree forgiveness comes with time and on the issue of forgetting the event hmmh! i think thats relative and would depend on the nature of the hurt(i stand to be corrected). however it’s important to let go of the hurt for our own sakes and thats done over time.
take care of yourself and enjoy the rest of the day
Hi Ayo! What a great topic. Forgiveness is extremely important for us to be happy and feel free. When we don’t forgive we end up carry the burden with us and it can get pretty heavy. As hard as it might be sometimes, it’s worth it. I specially like when you say “Change Your Story”. Changing or dropping our story is very liberating and healing!
Thanks for this wonderful guide. Loving blessings!
Andrea DeBell – britetalk´s last [type] ..No Worries About the Future- The Secret of Effortless Living
hello andrea
how are you?
changing our story is extremely difficult but liberating. it involves making a decision to let go of hurt with time and experience healing.
take care of yourself and enjoy the rest of the day
Hi Ayo, great post here, and such a powerful message!
Forgiveness is something that is never going to come easily, in my experience, as we have to abandon our sense of pride and anger towards the accused. This is hard to do, especially as we can’t bear to have someone ‘put one over on us’.
But a greater understanding can contribute to making the process more bearable, in letting go of our anger towards the other, and ourselves. This way, we make our lives more bearable and calm.
Thanks for sharing Ayo
hello stuart
how are you and welcome to the blog.
i agree it’s difficult to do away with the pride/anger towards the accused because of the thoughts of being patronized or taken for granted.
however when we gradually accept the importance of forgiveness with a view to forgiving the offender our lives become calm and we experience peace but this takes time.hope to see you again!!!
take care of yourself and enjoy the rest of the day
Very sensible Ayo – your approach to this difficult subject was crafted with gentleness and encouragement. Forgiveness is hard for mankind but without it would we all exist? Peace on this planet as a whole has shown that we can forgive as individuals, nations, and a whole race. The proof exists that it works and leads to love and liberty. To live without it it to not live at all. A beautifully handled piece of writing for which I applaud you my friend.
John Sherry´s last [type] ..The Right Lines
hello john
how are you
thanks for your kind words and yes there many events that have happened in the world today and forgiveness has brought some sort of stability and peace. i have been reading Dr Luskins reports and in it, he cites countries too showing the proof that it works.
take care of yourslf and enjoy the rest of the day.
I say don’t do it for them. Do it for you. Many times those for whom we hold angry feelings and harbor resentment don’t even know what they’ve done to offend.
As they say, “The best revenge is a good life.” Thanks for this post!
Jennifer Brown Banks´s last [type] ..Craft Therapy- Anyone
hello jennifer
how are you and welcome to the blog.
You hit the nail on the head ‘do it for you’
it’s important we feel much better and relieved physically, emotionaly and spiritually.
hope to see you again.
take care of yourself and enjoy the rest of the day
Ayo,
How are you?
Forgiving is not easy but it is necessary. Thank you for sharing this timely information. I needed it.
Frank´s last [type] ..Is It Really Worth It
hello frank
how are you?
i am glad you found the article useful
take care and enjoy the rest of the day
Thank you so much Ayo for sharing such a touching and teaching article. This forgiveness can sometimes be a bane for the best of us but with the way you have outlined the steps here, it will definitely be easier.
myne Whitman´s last [type] ..Debate Tuesday – Another wife for my husband
hello myne
how are you and welcome to the blog
it’s encouraging to know there’s a thing or two to be gained from the article.
hope to see you again.
take care and enjoy the rest of the day
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You’re right. This is a very difficult issue, so hard and painful for many people. And yet, there is nothing more important for our lives. I appreciate your gentle approach, acknowledging our feelings and not being judgmental with ourselves. I know in my own life that in one particular case it took me years to forgive. But I kept faith that I wanted to forgive and that in time I would. And indeed I did.
Galen Pearl´s last [type] ..For Today, Newly Bright
Forgiveness should never be dependent on how we feel, but it should be based on a decision, and this is where it’s tough. Nonetheless it is healthy to forgive