Difficulties

Men Have Feelings Too!!

by Ayo Olaniyan in Body Language, Life Skills Development, Personal Development, Purpose, Relationships 38 Comments

Please Note: This post wasn’t published to generate controversies or appear one-sided. It’s dedicated to all the men struggling to find a voice as they go through so much emotional hurt, frustrations, anxiety etc. after a broken relationship, divorce, job loss, bankruptcy……

Women face similar challenges and some argue a lot more and I promise it would also be addressed on this blog.

It’s a common practice for men to hide their feelings because we are ‘macho’; but after listening to James O’Brien’s Show today(LBC 97.3), prompted by an article in the papers: ‘Divorced men given shelter in pioneering Swiss project’(Daily Mail), I felt it was important to address the issue ‘Men Have Feelings Too.’

Although there are men who are just vulgar and possibly brutal in their actions/behaviour, it’s important to note: not all men are cheats, wife-beaters, irresponsible, liars, stereotypes etc.

The focus today is on men who are fighting to save their homes, marriage, children, jobs, minds…….

As a man I hid my feelings and worries that engulfed me, because the general rule is, expressing how we feel or betraying our emotions CONSTRUCTIVELY, isn’t a sign of masculinity.

Some home truths about men:

We get hurt and sometimes upset
Get Abused or Victimised.
We have a heart
Get Ridiculed
Have our children taken away.
Have our wives, girlfriends or partners walk out of our lives.
Face job losses
At times are sexually inactive
Run up debts and sometimes file for bankruptcy.
Lose sleep.
Men fall ill too!!!
Above all ‘Have Feelings Too.’

Am I suggesting that people don’t realise this? Yes!!! because it’s often overlooked.

Although men take an awful lot of bashing(some are justified), if you were to list the qualities or roles of men objectively you would discover they are:

Strong-willed.
Fighters
Responsible fathers.
Risk Takers.
Providers.
Loving husbands, partners, boyfriends…
Good Bosses or work colleagues.
Great comforters.
Have physical, mental, emotional and spiritual strength.

How Can Men Deal With The Struggles Of Life?

Based on my experience and studies, here are a few suggestions:

Accept you have feelings and sometimes they may take you down a rocky road. The strength of man is evident in handling emotional conflicts.
Swallow your pride. We all experience disappointments, failures in various phases of our lives. There’s absolutely no point hiding or running away from them. Don’t be so macho to a point of hopelessness.
Be honest with everyone around you. It’s also important you are honest with yourself because there’s nothing to be gained from self denial. It’s not bravery hiding from reality guys.
Accept and stand up to the responsibilities that come with the struggles of life. It’s no longer cool to shirk responsibilities, become a player, procrastinate…
Think carefully and constructively. This ensures you don’t make hasty decisions which could create future difficulties. Occasionally put logic in the corner of your mind(I know it’s difficult) and think with your heart.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Guys don’t beat yourselves up because you’ve failed, relationships have gone sour, lost money……. You are simply inflicting punishments which have no rewards.
Surround yourself with friends and family. You really need them during this period. Stop thinking your friends won’t help out or you’ve lost all self respect because you shared your experience.
Avoid getting drunk or taking drugs with a view to forgetting or avoiding the difficulties. You might experience temporary relief but you are endangering your life and opening doors to further depression, frustrations.
If you’ve never prayed before, now is the time to give it a try. It does no harm at all.
Don’t engage in any form of self harm please. Well done to Greg (a caller to the show). I salute your courage, determination and honesty.
Allow time heal the wounds and scars from the past.
Exercise a bit of patience. Control the adrenalin pumping through your body.
If things get out of hand and you can’t cope, speak to a professional therapist or counsellor.
Get up and do something about the situation. That’s why you are a MAN. You fight, face challenges and stays strong.

To any lady/woman reading this please celebrate or appreciate the men in your life. It could be your friend, colleague, brother, partner, boyfriend father, husband………and remember they have feelings too.

To all the men going through the struggles of life and fighting to stay on top, I SALUTE YOU.

I look forward to your comments and suggestions.

Thanks

N.B. Please share this article everywhere(twitter, facebook, emails…). Let’s all encourage the men out there doing a good work.

Don’t Give Up On Life

by Ayo Olaniyan in Personal Development, Purpose, Relationships 23 Comments

It’s been a very hectic week maintaining a balance with my family, work, the blog, studies…….. but it was worth every moment.

This post was inspired by yesterday’s news ‘Young people self-harming with sharp objects up 50%’. It was broadcast on BBC News Beat, Sky News, the BBC website and because it kept coming up at intervals, it gave me food for thought.

This post focuses on practical tips in dealing with the obstacles of life and I sincerely hope it would provide alternatives to your thoughts on giving up on life, self harm, discouragement……..

The report lists a few reasons for self harm such as:

Family difficulties
Feeling desperate about a problem and don’t know where to turn for help
Bottling up all sorts of emotional tension till you feel like exploding.
Experiencing guilt or shame that becomes unbearable.
Going through various forms of abuse or trauma.
Your body image
Going through stress at work
Facing school pressures. (Culled From The BBC)

The Free Dictionary defines the phrase ‘Give Up’ as the loss of hope, admitting defeat and the act of surrendering with no will to fight again.

Albert Einstein states ‘It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.’

Life is filled with so many challenges. You’ve got to do your best to gain control of your emotions and stay on top of each situation despite its difficulty.

Once again, DON’T GIVE UP ON LIFE.

WHY????

My Response: Life issues are common problems or crisis that happens to everyone living normal lives. You can turn it around constructively or the difficulties face, could be useful catalysts for success and finally there is happiness, fulfilment, satisfaction gained as result of facing the struggles of life.

The aim of this post is to encourage you NOT TO GIVE UP ON LIFE and suggest useful ways of dealing with the events of life.

When the world says, “Give up,”Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.” Author Unknown

Take some time to consider the following:

What’s On Your Mind

You need to identify the negative events that constantly weigh you down and wear you out. Figure out all the things in your life that promote stress. It could be unsupportive relationships, failures, work stress, physical or mental abuse….

For a start, you could answer these questions:

What’s on your mind?
Is it worth your time and energy?
Are you able to trace when it started becoming an issue?
Have you been affected physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, emotionally…….?

Once you have an idea of what these obstacles are, it’s time to take steps in the right direction to minimize their impact.

Condition your thoughts

Often times, you can’t face challenges because you are so engrossed in negative thoughts. Approaching the struggles of life with so much pessimism isn’t very healthy. There’s a likelihood of making wrong choices and incorrect judgments.

In the real world, it’s normal to feel hurt, wounded, betrayed and exhausted, but it’s no excuse to give up on life.

Give room for healing to take place, be moderately optimistic and try as much as you can to GET A GRIP ON YOUR THOUGHTS.

You Are Not Alone

In the words of Michael Jackson, ‘You are not alone…..

There have been a few people who have experienced similar issues and could be a source of help to you. There are books, blogs, communities, clubs, and support groups etc that solely cater for specific issues that bring about unrest.

You could browse various personal development sites online or check the yellow pages for various support groups that could be of assistance.

Be Secured In Who You Are

Insecurity has no place in the game of life. Learn to love and appreciate who you are constructively.

Underestimating your capabilities will make you a pitiful insecure individual and push you closer to the realms of GIVING UP ON LIFE.

Accept who you are, what you have, be confident in yourself, so you could move on with the knowledge of being a unique/distinguished individual.

Develop Your Self-Efficacy

Self efficacy simply believes you are able to perform in a certain manner in order to attain specific goals and make life meaningful.

It is developed over time by responding positively to challenges with actions, motivation and persistence.

Researchers suggest self-efficacy can be increased by setting realistic goals, having mentors, living a life of purpose and through positive affirmation.

Face Your Challenges.

In order to rise above the feeling of giving up on life, you need to face your challenges, stay strong. Understand you can’t change the past, because it’s happened, but you can shape your future by dealing with the current challenges of life positively.

Your perspective of the future can change once you embrace the knowledge of standing up to life’s challenges.

You can face those challenges by:

Doing something positive.
Taking a step in the right direction.
Making very tough decisions eg.reducing your alcohol limits, losing contact with a few friends, breaking free from certain relationships.
Becoming proactive.
Going back to areas where you have experienced failure and TRY AGAIN.

Discuss Your Fears

Don’t be scared of sharing your feelings/anxieties with trusted friends, family or professionals.

Sharing problems with people you trust is therapeutic and will release the bottled up emotions giving you a clear head, peace of mind and move you towards a life of happiness.

Feel Good About Yourself

Celebrate your achievements and enjoy every wonderful experience you’ve had. According to research people feeling depressed fail to pay attention to their success, achievements or strengths.

Feel good about who you are (positively), where you are now and display confidence about what to look forward to in the future.

Slow down on excessive self criticism because over time, constant negative feelings result in negative affirmations.

One more thing: Spoil yourself occasionally, it doesn’t hurt at all.

Communicate Your Feelings Properly

This is very important because it promotes understanding and puts the message you are trying to pass across in the right context.

Ensure you express yourself in an appropriate manner and where there is a tendency to act irrational; exercise a bit of self discipline, pull yourself together (it may be difficult considering the circumstances involved; but it is important).

Develop Resilience

Resilience is the ability to spring back from and successfully adjust to the complex issues of life. It is the ability to develop strength in the midst of your frustrations.

Developing resilience when faced with the thoughts of giving up on life is essential because:

You develop positive moods suitable for your health.
You can handle and cope with different forms of stress and difficulties
You build optimism
You make a certain amount of progress

Learn From Your Experience

Form the habit of managing your failures carefully. It is a phase everyone must go through. You can see it as a golden opportunity to rewrite the scripts of success.

Think a little bit about the painful/difficult events of the past; how you can prevent some from occurring again and how you can improve on various actions you’ve taken which eventually led to positive outcomes.

In carrying out this exercise, avoid being too critical of yourself, but rather reflect on all that you’ve learnt.

Build Positive Relationships

Building positive relationships with a network of trusted friends could provide huge benefits such as enhancing your level of reasoning, expanding your horizon, having a shoulder to lean on……

In the context of friendship, if you’ve developed trust with certain individuals and isn’t scared to discuss private matters with a fear of being judged or getting disappointed, go ahead.

There are several approaches to resolving different issues and you can learn from the experience of others. Getting sound counsel could reduce stress levels and bring about happiness.

Positive relationships also create some sort of accountability to people who won’t be afraid to speak up when you are going down a dangerous route or snatch you when you are heading for disaster.

Finally;

Get Professional Help

You can’t undermine the importance of counselling or any form of talking therapies. If you sense the need for professional advice, do not hesitate to call or visit your local GP, a professional counsellor or psychotherapist.

This is straight from my heart ‘DON’T GIVE UP ON LIFE.’

I look forward to your comments and suggestions.

50 Ways To Get Over A Broken Relationship (Love Relationship Series III)

by Ayo Olaniyan in Personal Development, Purpose, Relationships 14 Comments

This is the third series on ‘Love Relationships’ and the aim is to look at ways in which we can resolve or get over broken relationships.

A broken relationship is simply an end to a relationship based on love, trust, affection, friendship etc. It can happen to anyone, at any age with/without warning. It is not only tagged to spouses, marriages or engagements but also affects friends, families, work colleagues…..

This post will briefly address how it occurs and suggest 50 Ways To Get Over A Broken Relationship.

The following are causes of broken relationships:

Distance: This occurs when friends lose contact with each other and go in separate directions e.g. relocating to another country, town or city, going to different schools/colleges, jobs etc.
A change in circumstances and seasons
Lack of trust and disrespect.
Lying and cheating.
Break in communication.
Personal Issues.
Pride.

It’s important to note that are many other causes of broken relationships, but the post will be limited to this list.

In no particular order, here are 50 Ways To Get Over A Broken Relationship.

Time: It’s important you give yourself enough time to heal, get over the hurt, gain confidence and take off from where your life paused temporarily.
Find out who you really are, what your temperaments, likes or dislikes are. Be yourself; be authentic, be bold, be loving, be beautiful.
Don’t be hard on yourself: There is always a tendency for you to heap the causes of the strain in the relationship on yourself. Cut yourself some slack and be encouraged by things that give you meaning.
Accept past events, the changes/challenges associated with it. As painful as it is, the underlying factor is to build a level of tolerance & resistance to these situations.
Examine yourself: Could you be the one who has the problem? Is your character, behavior, or attitude questionable? Are you argumentative, bossy, overbearing? It may be worthwhile examining yourself inwardly.
Empower yourself by listening to, reading and watching positive media that will contribute to uplifting your spirits and strengthening you.
Avoid being alone: Spend a lot of time with other friends, family, colleagues….. They could serve as listening ears and provide all sorts of encouragement.
Get some rest. It would recharge your energy levels and ensure you put things in perspective.
Let go of your emotions constructively. Cry if it will make you feel better, take long walks. Don’t be embarrassed at it. Whatever you do, make sure it’s constructive and makes you feel better.
Endeavour to resolve every confrontation or argument that may stem from past relationships.
Rebuild your self esteem and self confidence.
Improve your physical appearance, dress sense and total physical outlook. Dress smartly, casually, elegantly….(I don’t subscribe to a provocative dress sense). It helps to boost your level of confidence.
Create a positive attitude around you and think positively about who you are. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Be careful of being taken for granted by anyone. It’s important you guard your self/heart to avoid being hurt again. There could be people (acquaintances, friends, ex’s (YES!!!), colleagues…) wanting to take advantage of your current situation for their own selfish gains or pleasure.
Apologize even if you don’t feel you’re directly at fault. It is a wonderful healing process giving you peace of mind, bringing comfort and relief to both parties concerned.
Forgive: Forgive yourself. Don’t feel stupid or worthless at the current situation. Learn to forgive the other parties involved. Set them free!!!
Be optimistic: Show a bit of optimism in your daily living, trying as much as possible to put the past behind you.
Don’t cultivate the habit of eating too much in order to drive away painful memories or give you comfort.
Don’t turn to alcohol or drugs as a quick route to escape from the hurt or drown your sorrows. The pain will still be there in the morning along with a hangover!
Know what you want from a new relationship or friendship.
Stop living in self denial. There would be fond memories of the past but you’ve got to MOVE ON!!!!!
Stop over analyzing several issues, actions, movements, behaviors that occurred in the past.
Watch what you say: Be careful not to say or get into too many conversations that will bring up the past events relating to betrayal and dishonesty.
Condition your thoughts: Most times, you can’t face challenges because you are drowned in negative thoughts. If you approach the past with pessimism, there is a possibility of making wrong decisions arriving at erroneous judgements.
Be secured: Be secured in who, what and whom you are. Learn to deal with all your insecurities.
Deal with all forms guilt.
Always think of what is best for you as you move on to conquering the hurts of the relationship.
Be careful not to rush into developing new relationships either by forming new friendships or dating quickly.
Don’t play the blame game; finding faults or apportioning blames to various people, friends, families, ex’s…….
Keep your distance. It gives you enough time to pull your thoughts together.
Think Of The Future: Let your thoughts of the future be memorable, motivating and encouraging. Work towards the picture you’ve set for yourself.
Face your fears knowing, it only becomes a problem, when you can’t stand up to the pressures that come your way.
Learn to communicate your intentions, messages, mission, purpose etc.properly.
Start dating and making new friends again. This contradicts what was mentioned above. The tip in context; you shouldn’t deprive yourself of the benefits of seeing someone else at the appropriate time.
Learn to love again remembering not everyone will act like your ex, friend, colleague etc.
Don’t act desperate giving in to anyone who just comes your way or appears to be nice.
Take one day a step at a time making sure each day is a filled with various accomplishments.
Stop worrying and making all kinds of unnecessary assumptions. It reduces your level of anxiety.
Get a new focus.
Spoil yourself: Get a massage. Pamper yourself in the bath with oils, soothing music and skin moisturizers.
Celebrate Your Progress: Be happy when you make progress/changes in any sphere of your life using it as a stimulus to building new relationships.
Be Patient: Being patient allows you handle various situations with confidence and assurance knowing a solution definitely exists in any circumstance.
Spend money wisely: There is a tendency to spend carelessly to get rid of the pain experienced such as going for expensive holidays, purchasing unnecessary or unwanted items etc. The relief is temporary but you would be left repaying the debts when you come back to your senses.
Learn from the experience: The sole purpose of every experience is to make you a better person who can confidently face whatever life has to offer.
Improve yourself at the slightest opportunity you have. Your capacity to build new relationships will depend on your personal drive to take each opportunity as stepping stones.
Discuss your fears: Through building positive relationships, learn to share your fears with friends and family. It could boost your self esteem through learning from the experiences of others.
Seek Profession Help: Where/When necessary, the services of a counsellor, psychotherapist, may be employed.
Start out a new hobby. Try out things you’ve never done before. It will help fill those lonely times.
Exercise: It is important you stay in good shape by exercising as often as you can. Apart from the healthy benefits, a lot of people feel unattractive, insecure and less confident when they are out of shape.
Set Goals: Be determined to come out of the broken relationship strong with new ideals, strength and character.

I look forward to your suggestions and comments.

I am fed up with life.

by Ayo Olaniyan in Personal Development, Purpose 19 Comments

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There are many of us who are fed up of our lives. The phrase fed up in the context of this post is an expression or a feeling of discouragement, dissatisfaction and frustration with several issues of concern in the journey of life. You become fed up with life, events, people and everything around you when your expectations, needs, goals, dreams etc are not achieved, appear worthless or fall short of your imagination.

The emotional responses to being fed up of life are anger, depression, fear, worry…….. The aim of this post is to offer a few suggestions that could shed some light in those dark areas of your life, which could result in motivating you, boosting your energy levels, point you in the direction of hope, inner peace and strength ( physical/spiritual).

There are several events/things that could make you fed up of life such as:

Failure.
Broken Relationships.
Communication breakdown.
Increased workloads
Dealing with your weaknesses and insecurities.
Procrastination.
Fear.
Job Losses
The Media
Over analyzing events, situations or what’s been said.
Managing a family
The Economic Climate.
Financial responsibilities
Crime rate

The list is endless.

There isn’t a fixed method/routine for coping with undue pressures, but here are a few practical suggestions:

Examine your life

In examining your lifestyle, there is a need to look at how you arrived at where you are currently, the experiences you’ve had in the past/present, your goals, aspirations, ambitions and most of all the difficulties encountered in the journey of life. You also need to understand the importance being realistic with your expectations, making a conscious decision not to create unnecessary pressure through several activities you are involved in and finally, dealing with the challenges that come your way.

Work on your attitude

“Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference” – Winston Churchill

Your attitude contributes to the level of success attained. It also makes a difference or improves the way you work, manage your time, communicate, build relationships and deal with the issues of life. Your attitude determines how you respond to challenges, whether you rise or fall, what experience can be gained from living a life filled with purpose. A positive attitude enhances optimism, helps you manage worries and conditions your thoughts. Developing a positive attitude is a post on it’s own but a brief summary of its benefits are as follows:

It aids your success.
It creates a level of inspiration and motivation.
It allows you overcome various difficulties.
It helps you in achieving your goals.
It allows you communicate effectively.

Express your frustrations

Sharing your experiences or difficulties with a network of trusted friends/family provides a form of relief when you feel sick and tired. Remember, there are several ways to resolve different issues and learning from the experiences of others could reduce stress levels and bring about happiness. Be around people you are accountable to, who won’t withhold any form of encouragement from you or keep you at arms length as you share your frustrations.

Regain control

There are a few instances, were you become sick and tired of life when you notice you don’t have any control of the situation at hand. You lose your mind, sleep, becomes anxious for everything. Things generally, just spiral out of control. Sometimes your level of frustration reduces the moment you figure out a way to gain control by being realistic, thoughtful, optimistic, collaborating with people and accepting the situation.

Rest

Form the habit of relaxing in order to reduce your levels of anxiety and worry. Your mind could wander into past events, causing sleepless nights, poor diets, frequent headaches, etc. In order to gain control of your emotions and combat the feeling of being sick and tired, wherever you find yourself, resting can’t be overlooked. Take time out to sleep properly, laze around, listen to music or have some form of leisure activity.

Look at your options

Learn to investigate or think deeply about the possible ways of resolving the problem The more options you have for dealing with negative situations, the less sick and tired you become.

Be strong and confident

Learning to handle difficulties in a matured manner equips you with the appropriate mindset to see things moving in a positive direction. You are able to deal with challenges this way because you refuse to allow pessimism cloud your thoughts. Being strong requires determination, decisiveness and the will power to keep your focus on the results you intend to achieve.

Seek Professional Help

Employing the services of a counsellor, coach, psychotherapist etc could be effective in dealing with the feeling of being sick and tired. If you sense the need for professional advice, do not hesitate to call or visit your local GP, professional counsellor or psychotherapist.

Do some stress relief activities

There are several stress relief activities you can perform such as: